Woman on date pretending she can't finish pizza

A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. 

34-year-old Lucy Parry is hoping that dinner with Nathan Muir may lead to a long-term relationship which may even see her give birth to a live human, but fears that if she consumes a whole Rustica Meat Sofia feast it will never happen.

She said: “I laid the groundwork by seeming overwhelmed by the very menu. When he suggested pizza I feigned shock.

“I mumbled that I could never manage a whole one, implying I’d tried in the past and it had been an epic journey punctuated by sweats, exhaustion and other diners cheering me on.

“I asked the waiter how big the portions are, as if pizzas aren’t pizza-sized, and when it arrived gave a long, low overawed whistle. Then I took tiny bites and at one point clutched my side as though getting a stitch. I haven’t faked that since year nine PE.”

“Ridiculous considering I can polish off an entire bucket of chicken while still browsing Deliveroo, but necessary. I took the rest of the pizza home. I’m more excited about it than the sex.”

Muir said: “I finished  her pizza before I left, but I’m sure she won’t mind. She’s cute, but I worry she’s too frail and consumptive for me.”

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Couple who've been together ages think that makes them better

A COUPLE who are celebrating their 15th anniversary this year believe that it makes them incredible humans uniquely qualified to give out life advice.

Stephen and Emma Bradford met at university and have been inseparable ever since, marrying ahead of all their close friends and smugly already paying a mortgage.

Stephen said: “You get so much more from life when you approach it as a team. I’ve told my friends that, but it’s advice they haven’t heeded.

“It seems they prefer to waste their time sleeping around and falling in and out of relationships. Not us. We tied the knot at 27 and we’re not even Christians, just committed to each other and our shared future.

“Obviously, our way of doing things is the ideal, and all our mates are envious of our lifestyle. They’re on the apps and we’ve got a house. Not that we look down on them for it. They have our sympathy.”

Friend Charlotte Phelps said: “They’re always like ‘have you met anyone?’ and pulling this frowny face, as if they couldn’t possibly imagine anyone enjoying being single at 30.

“Especially when it’s just luck that they found each other. And good thing they did, too, because he’s got no sense of humour and she has weird eyebrows.”