Woman using American recipe has no idea what a f**king cup is

A WOMAN baking a cake using a recipe she found online cannot understand why Americans think a ‘cup’ is a rational unit of measurement.

Lucy Parry embarked confidently on what appeared to be a simple chocolate cake before coming across the part where she is expected to know how much a ‘cup’ is.

Parry said: “What do they mean by it? I’ve got multiple sizes of cup in my house, from massive mugs down to teeny cups for espresso.

“Are all American cups the same size? If so they must have huge cups, judging by their general approach to portion sizes. Does that mean their teaspoons are supersized too? Should I use a tablespoon?

“Honestly, it’s a shitshow. Far be it from me to criticise another culture, but what the hell is up with them if they can’t measure things with numbers?

“Did I make the cake? No. I bought one and kept my cups for tea, like a normal person.”

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New Zealand bastard thinks he's having a bad day

A LUCKY bastard living in a country free of coronavirus is claiming to have had a bad day, it has emerged.

Wellington resident Jack Browne got up, had a coffee in a bustling cafe, took the train to work without either a mask or fear, then lounged around the office chatting but believes life is hard.

Browne said: “I had such a deep, worry-free sleep that I missed my alarm and woke up ten minutes late. That always sets you off wrong.

“Work was boring, it took ten minutes to get served at lunch because the sushi place was packed with people laughing and joking around, and when I got my hair cut he took too much off the sides.

“Then my mates, who frankly I’ve seen too much of recently, dragged me out to the pub, and from there we went to a gig and while I was jostling for space at the crowded bar I hit it off with this girl.

“The sex was pretty good but she hasn’t texted, which hasn’t helped my mood, and this weekend there’s a big family party I can’t be bothered with. Plus it’s coming up to summer.”

He added: “And marijuana didn’t get legalised when we voted in our left-wing prime minister who’s the envy of the world. God, I feel like just locking myself in the house for a good cry.”