Foot And Mouth 'Not As Much Fun As Last Time' Say Townies

CITY dwellers and townsfolk have branded the latest foot and mouth outbreak “boring” and “not as good as last time” as it looked to be fizzling out after just one week. 

Norman Steele, a taxi driver from Bow, East London, complained that only a few hundred cows had been killed so far, none of which had been set on fire for the television news.

His wife Vera, a waitress, said she realised the outbreak was rubbish when Natasha Kaplinsky did not even bother to make the trip to Surrey for the Six O’Clock news.

Mr Steele said: “Last time around there were huge bonfires all over the place but this time it’s been pathetic. I’ve seen bigger flames during a barbecue in my back yard.

“Christ, even the BBC has been forced to show repeat footage from the previous one because it hasn't got anything horrific this time around. If they aren’t going to show any new burning cows I’m just not interested.”

Mrs Steele said it was Ms Kaplinsky she felt sorry for because she “obviously enjoys herself more” when she gets away from “that George Alagiah”.

She said: “I bet she was over the moon at first, thought she might get a new Barbour and some wellies on expenses, and a few nights in a nice hotel. Now look how it’s turned out for her. It’s a shame.”

News that livestock from another farm were to be destroyed did not impress Mr Steele. “Really, by now you’d expect they would have set fire to the whole of Kent,” he said.

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Cows Blame Sheep For Foot And Mouth Lab Leak

THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war. 

The cows, who declared war on the sheep in April this year, said a small flock of sheep was spotted acting strangely in the area where the outbreak occurred last week.

One cow claimed to have seen sheep talking to suspicious figures in white coats who worked at the nearby animal research laboratory which has been identified as the source of the disease.

Another claimed to have seen sheep wearing gas masks carrying test tubes and later to have heard the sound of tinkling glass, giggling, and shouts of “that’ll show ‘em”.

Cow prime minister Edelweiss said the latest development in the war of the cows and the sheep was “truly shocking”.

He said: “We always suspected the sheep would fight dirty. As soon as we declared war they took to the hills and refused to face us in a proper battle. They are evil personified.”

However, the sheep's dirty tactics may yet backfire: their sneak attack using chemical weaponry has enraged the pigs who are now threatening to join the war as allies of the cows.

Major General Horace Wilpole, an expert in porcine warfare, said the pigs could bring the conflict to a swift end as they were well-equipped and ferocious fighters. "They are absolute animals," he said.