Free £5 Note For Every Reader*

THE Bank of England is to give a brand new £5 note to each reader of The Daily Mash as part of its drive to stem the growing shortage of fivers in circulation. 

All readers need do to get their fiver is present a print-out of this page at the counter of their local bank branch and say “I am Mervyn King and I claim my five pounds”.

Alternatively they can present the page at the wages department of their employer which will hand over a new fiver on the spot, and then claim it back from the Bank of England at the end of the month.

Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, said he was overjoyed that The Daily Mash and its readers had selflessly offered their help to alleviate the current chronic fiver shortage.

He said: “I’ve got £1 billion of brand new fivers just sitting in a box in my office but I had no idea how to get them into circulation, apart from hitting the lapdancing clubs every lunchtime.

“However, there is a limit to the amount of cash that even a sex-starved bespectacled middle-aged man can shove into the garters of these young ladies so your help will be much appreciated."

Nikki Cox, marketing director of The Daily Mash, said: “This is all just super, really super.”

But Angela Knight, chief executive of the British Bankers Association, said there was no problem with dirty fivers as far as she was aware. She said: “I have mine washed and ironed every week by my housekeeper, don’t you?”

*This is an offer by the Bank of England and we at The Daily Mash are just telling you about it, because we are nice like that. So don't come crying to us if your bank says it does not know what you are talking about, go direct to the Bank of England and they will sort it out. Offer ends 20th June 2007.

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Blair Sends Back Agent Provocateur Panties

TONY Blair is to return all his Agent Provocateur crotchless panties in protest at the saucy lingerie brand founder’s decision to reject his MBE.

Mr Blair, who normally wears either crotchless briefs or open French knickers underneath his Paul Smith suits, said he planned to switch his custom to Ann Summers or M&S instead.

And he said he was “outraged” that Agent Provocateur founder Joseph Corre, 39, had stooped so low as to use his panties as a political football.

Mr Blair said: “For reasons of hygiene, comfort and vague sexual thrill I have always favoured crotchless undercrackers while on important business for the country.

“Many of the long meetings and summits I have to attend take place in packed rooms that are extremely hot and humid and I have always gone open crotch to reduce the sweating about my privates.

“However, I would prefer to suffer the distraction of a damp and overheated penis than wear that disgraceful man’s scanties ever again.”

Mr Blair said he would be returning all his knickers immediately, even if some of them were used and slightly soiled.

Labour insiders said the Agent Provocateur founder’s declaration that he was sending back his MBE because he hated Tony Blair was a “cheap publicity stunt”  by a desperate man who knew he would not survive the change of regime at Number 10 .

One said: “Gordon Brown is perfectly capable of regulating the temperature of his own penis without any assistance from Joe Corre and his French fancies, he was never going to go crotchless like Blair."

Meanwhile, Mr Blair’s wife Cherie has let it be known that she intends to hold onto her extensive open crotch collection despite her husband’s protest.

This has led to accusations that the Prime Minister plans to continue going crotchless by simply wearing his wife’s underwear when out on business, making his dramatic panty return an empty gesture.

David Cameron, the Tory leader, said: "If Tony Blair and his wife conspire to allow him to carry on wearing panties with an open crotch I have no doubt that the British public will see right through them."