40-year-old man unaware he has 40-year-old metabolism

A 40-YEAR-OLD man has not realised his metabolism has aged at the same rate as the rest of his increasingly flabby body.

Martin Bishop cannot understand why he has developed middle-aged spread despite consuming the same large amount of booze and junk food he did in his 20s.

He said: “I get that your eyesight and hairline start to go. That’s just natural wear and tear. I just can’t figure out for the life of me why I’ve got this big fat stomach.

“I never order more than my usual four takeaways a week. What gives? I never had this problem when I was a student.

“It’s almost as if there’s some connection between my refusal to eat healthily or exercise, and these pounds I’m mysteriously piling on.”

After standing up too fast as he went to get another can of lager, an exhausted Bishop was forced to slump back breathlessly into the furrow his body has worn into his sofa.

He added: “I’m going to be up all night trying to crack this. Better order a Dominos to keep me going.”

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How to make meetings absolute hell for everyone else

IF you’re forced to attend dull meetings, why not vent your frustration by making them utterly unbearable for others? Here’s how.

Say things for the sake of it

Prolong boring meetings with pointless comments just to show you’re there, eg. “Can I just say, I’m totally on board with anything that’s a positive step going forward.” If you’ve overrun by an hour, missed lunch and everyone looks dazed with boredom, job done.

Unleash smells 

If you won’t be identified, lay down a silent fart and enjoy watching people awkwardly trying not to mention the toxic anal gas permeating the room. Rancid coffee breath is also good. The night before a meeting, go to sleep with a spoonful of Tesco’s cheapest coffee in your mouth and don’t brush your teeth in the morning.

Make totally unrealistic suggestions

Waste everyone’s time with ideas that have no chance of happening. In a meeting about restructuring at your small regional company say, “Maybe we could get, I dunno, Phoebe Waller-Bridge to do a video to explain it?”  

Be the office comedian

Treat your colleagues to tiresome and inappropriate ‘humour’ throughout the meeting. Try: 

● Randomly repeating ancient Fast Show catchphrases, eg. “Suits you, sir!”

● ‘Edgy’ comments, eg. “I bet you like a bit of the old showbiz sherbert at the weekend, eh, Niall?”

● Telling a very long joke and getting it wrong, eg. “… so the Irishman says, ‘I haven’t got a long face, I’m a cycle-path.’ No, wait…” 

Derail the whole meeting

Sometimes meetings are important and people would like to get things done. Prevent this happening by starting an inane conversation that everyone gets sucked into, eg. do squirrels eat meat if they can’t get access to nuts?