A 40-YEAR-OLD man has not realised his metabolism has aged at the same rate as the rest of his increasingly flabby body.
Martin Bishop cannot understand why he has developed middle-aged spread despite consuming the same large amount of booze and junk food he did in his 20s.
He said: “I get that your eyesight and hairline start to go. That’s just natural wear and tear. I just can’t figure out for the life of me why I’ve got this big fat stomach.
“I never order more than my usual four takeaways a week. What gives? I never had this problem when I was a student.
“It’s almost as if there’s some connection between my refusal to eat healthily or exercise, and these pounds I’m mysteriously piling on.”
After standing up too fast as he went to get another can of lager, an exhausted Bishop was forced to slump back breathlessly into the furrow his body has worn into his sofa.
He added: “I’m going to be up all night trying to crack this. Better order a Dominos to keep me going.”