Absolute bellend to hold house party for other bellends

A COMPLETE twat is preparing to celebrate the easing of lockdown with a gathering of likeminded knobheads at his house.

Wayne Hayes is prepping the barbecue, chilling the beers and counting down the hours until he can recklessly endanger the lives of his closest friends’ vulnerable loved ones.

Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to spray my mucus particles on a select group of likeminded dickwads.

“Nothing says celebration like turning my house into a packed, sweaty petri dish ideal for viral exchange, and ignoring the inevitable and devastating consequences that will arrive in around three weeks’ time.

“All my favourite selfish dicks have already RSVP’d to say they will be there and to ask if they can bring any unhygienically prepared home-made food.”

Guest Tom Logan said: “I’ve had this cough for a couple of days but I wouldn’t miss Wayne’s party for anything.

“It’ll take more than slight breathlessness, a high temperature and weeks of public health messages to stop me sidling up to relative strangers and wheezing bawdily in their faces while wielding a beer.”

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Coronavirus has the bank holiday off, say idiots planning barbecues

IDIOTS planning to meet up for a bank holiday booze-up are convinced it is fine because COVID-19 will be having the weekend off.

Martin Bishop has invited mates round to enjoy some burgers and beers in the garden, safe in the knowledge that the coronavirus is having a rest.

Bishop said: “It’s going to be really hot this weekend so it would be daft not to have a cheeky barby while old COVID can’t hurt you.

“The way I see it is that with thousands of people dying every week from a contagious disease we need a few pints and a laugh with our mates more than ever. 

“The government needs to sort out their priorities and get the pubs open ASAP.  Everyone knows alcohol kills germs so people would be perfectly safe. 

“A booze-up is just what the doctor ordered. Although when I say ‘doctor’ I mean ‘my mate Steve’ who’s into coronavirus conspiracy theories on Facebook.”

Earlier this week Bishop made several long shopping trips to buy cheap sausages, burgers and coleslaw, using the planned barbecue to protect him.