Saturday, 30th May 2020

Absolute bellend to hold house party for other bellends

A COMPLETE twat is preparing to celebrate the easing of lockdown with a gathering of likeminded knobheads at his house.

Wayne Hayes is prepping the barbecue, chilling the beers and counting down the hours until he can recklessly endanger the lives of his closest friends’ vulnerable loved ones.

Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to spray my mucus particles on a select group of likeminded dickwads.

“Nothing says celebration like turning my house into a packed, sweaty petri dish ideal for viral exchange, and ignoring the inevitable and devastating consequences that will arrive in around three weeks’ time.

“All my favourite selfish dicks have already RSVP’d to say they will be there and to ask if they can bring any unhygienically prepared home-made food.”

Guest Tom Logan said: “I’ve had this cough for a couple of days but I wouldn’t miss Wayne’s party for anything.

“It’ll take more than slight breathlessness, a high temperature and weeks of public health messages to stop me sidling up to relative strangers and wheezing bawdily in their faces while wielding a beer.”