Your guide to talking to ladies, by Matt Hancock

DEALING with the opposite sex is tricky, particularly if you get a bit shirty with a lady MP and everyone accuses you of being a sexist. Here’s how to strike the right ‘tone’ with the ladies.

Speak loudly 

Even if you’re not patronising a female MP in the Commons, our slow response to coronavirus means any woman you meet in the foreseeable future will be at least two metres away. Speak LOUDLY and CLEARLY, as if you’re talking to a child. With winning tips like these, I’m sure you can see why they call me Matt ‘Lover Man’ Hancock. 

Be complimentary 

Ladies love a compliment. So instead of getting into a row about PPE, turn on the charm. Next time an angry nurse confronts you, simply say, “But why would you want to wear a face mask and cover up such a beautiful smile?” As mentioned, you’ll be two metres away and therefore safe from a kick in the bollocks. 

Find things in common

Sure, they might be a shadow minister with years of experience as an A&E doctor, while you’re another Oxbridge tosser who’s mates with George Osborne, but you’re bound to have something in common. You both like bread, perhaps? Or Phil Collins? Offer to lend them your copy of No Jacket Required. That’s a smooth move.

Don’t show off

It’s tempting to show off when you’re an important government minister like me and on TV every day reassuring the grateful nation. Be modest about it and only point out five or six times that you’re probably getting better ratings than Normal People and will no doubt be invited on Strictly.

Ask them about themselves

Sure, you might be a big shot health minister, but ask your lady friend about their day too. Have they baked any nice cakes? Do they need advice on buying a dress? Hopefully you’ll be able to make out their answer through their new cough and rapidly rising temperature.

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'We stomped those Nazi bastards flat' says Queen in moving speech

THE Queen has delivered an emotional speech to the nation about the immense joy she and her country felt on f**king the Nazis right up. 

The 94-year-old worked as a truck mechanic during the war but said her satisfaction on seeing so many Nazis obliterated was as great as any frontline soldier. 

Her Majesty said: “It was a time of struggle, a time of shortages, and a time when we really hated those Nazis, so one was delighted to see them f**ked up good.

“With fortitude, faith and spirit we swept across the continent smashing the Nazi war machine into pieces. Now, many years later, we can reflect and say ‘Take that, you bastards’. 

“I, like so many, never saw frontline combat. But we on the home front knew we were doing our bit. Every time I tightened a nut, I imagined I was firing a bullet into a Wehrmacht skull. 

“And we should not forget Hitler, who died in his bunker surrounded by the ashes of his megalomaniacal dreams. He bloody well had that coming. Thank you.”