THE effects of alcohol have finally worn off for a man who has been pissed since the lockdown began.
Tom Booker has been in a state of growing terror as the last traces of alcohol left his system today and he struggled to remember why he had been hitting the bottle so hard in the first place.
He said: “This isn’t the first time I’ve had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I try to piece together what happened the night before. But this feels worse than usual somehow.
“For starters I can’t see the floor because there are so many wine bottles and crushed beer cans lying around. And apparently it’s May now? I don’t even remember Easter happening.
“I’d go to the shops to get some ibuprofen for my thumping headache, but I can’t face jostling through the crowds in town. Maybe I’ll just stagger to the pub in a minute for some hair of the dog.
“I’m guessing I started knocking back booze because it was the only way to cope with hearing about Priti Patel’s points-based immigration system. I’ll put the news on and and see how that’s going.