Thursday, 29th October 2020

Boris Johnson's totally f**king confusing guide to easing lockdown

ARE you baffled by the government’s approach to easing lockdown? Here prime minister Boris Johnson explains what you should do next week. 

Jolly well get shopping

Give the economy the kickstart it needs by shopping for at least six hours a day. Get essentials like wine, but also buy things you don’t want. Get 500 hammers, or how about a few nice dresses if you’re a man? Just do not come into contact with other people while visiting busy shops.

Don’t wear a mask or don’t not 

Masks, we have established, are useless. But they are also highly effective at preventing transmission of coronavirus. So don’t wear a mask, but also do. If you’re not sure how to do that, just bloody well piss off because I can’t be expected to think of everything.

Do ‘unlimited’ exercise

I’m a committed jogger but all sports are good. Wrestling, rugby and boxing are excellent contact sports so get stuck in, ideally without touching other people. Personally I’m having some wonderful games of tennis on Zoom. That’s clearly total rubbish but I can’t help myself.

Get back to work, you lazy peasants! (Just joking!)

Not really. Bloody well get back to work NOW because businesses are up shit creek and I’m getting grief from party donors. Yes, some of you will die but sometimes it’s unavoidable, like Gallipoli. Also we can’t give more government handouts like a bunch of Trots, because we’ve still got to borrow like maniacs for HS2 and the next Boris Bridge.

Go to the pub

The stout yeomen of England do not let a foreign virus stop them downing a flagon of mead! I am a huge fan of pubs, having attended them several times at Oxford. Just don’t come within six feet of anyone as you crowd into your ‘local’ for a raucous discussion of why Thucydides was a wanker.

Stay at home but go out a lot

Okay, is this enough bullshit now? I’ve got a much better-paid column to knock out for the Telegraph and frankly I don’t give a toss because I’m immune now and this virus stuff isn’t my problem.