Neighbour playing f**king Coldplay in his garden as if everyone isn't on lockdown

A NEIGHBOUR is playing Coldplay at full blast in his garden just as if the whole street were not at home with the windows open, unable to escape.

Martin Bishop put the band’s first album on his Bluetooth speaker, sat in a deckchair and opened a beer without considering the misery he was forcing on at least 12 other households.

Nikki Hollis said: “Is he f**king kidding me? I’ve done a whole morning’s homeschooling, my boss is giving me bullshit about a Zoom catch-up, I make it outside with a massive lunchtime gin and Yellow is on?

“Coldplay are bad enough at the best of times, but Chris Martin wanking on mournfully while you’re imprisoned in a three-bed semi is the worst part of this pandemic so far. It’s the kind of psychological warfare you’d associate with CIA black ops.

“I’ve obeyed social distancing for seven weeks, so I’m within my rights to go round there and smash his stupid speaker in with a spade. The whole street will thank me.”

Bishop said: “Wow, that sounds good. I think I’ll put on Snow Patrol next.”

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How to twist the facts so you can still think the sun shines out of Boris's arse

BEGINNING to think the government has ballsed things up but refuse to admit Boris might not be the new Churchill? Here’s what to tell yourself:

It’s too early to count the death toll

We don’t know which country has the highest death toll because it’s not over yet. This excuse is like believing your team could win a football match in the 90th minute when they’re eight goals down, but if it allows you to cling to the delusion that Boris will come out on top then carry on.

It’s the public’s fault for getting ill

If so many people hadn’t gone out and caught coronavirus they wouldn’t have died, so it’s their own stupid fault. They ignored Johnson’s half-hearted warnings not to do the stuff he was still doing, so he had to get it to show them they were being dangerous. He’s a hero like that.

This is no time to criticise the government

If you’ve got your head shoved so far up Boris’s bum that you can’t admit that things have gone badly wrong, you’re bound to bristle when journalists ask questions. They’re disloyal and the next disaster is on them. Just ram your head further up and everything will be fine.

People aren’t looking on the bright side

Optimism should be enforced by law, because imagine how many deaths there could have been. A million is way more than 30,000, so we’ve basically smashed it, right? And it’s all thanks to our leader being a total legend. Europe wishes they had him.

He just loves freedom so damn much

How can you ask a great man like Boris to go against his instincts? He loves the freedom to go to the pub so much that he’s willing to let millions of his fellow countrymen fall ill and die for it. It’s actually inspiring.

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