A&E waiting times would improve if you weren’t such idiots, say experts

ACCIDENT and emergency waiting times have worsened because Britain is so full of cretins, experts have confirmed.

Researchers found the key issue affecting hospital A&E provision was not funding or organisation, but the sheer heft of Britain’s collective stupidity.

Martin Bishop, a 33 year-old man who is currently sitting in an A&E department in Stevenage, said: “I’ve got a bit of a sore throat.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “For fuck’s sake.”

According to the Institute, A&E waiting times have increased as Britain’s educational standards have plummeted.

Professor Brubaker said: “We experts call that ‘correlation’. Don’t look it up in a dictionary, because you’ll probably end up setting fire to yourself.

“In fact, don’t do anything or go anywhere. Just sit in the corner and shut your idiotic face.”


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The Shard now growing independently

LONDON’S Shard building has grown two new floors without anyone having worked on it.

Almost like a rigid tentacle

It began the Christmas break as a 87-storey skyscraper and, without human intervention, mysteriously ended it with 89 storeys and a subterranean restaurant.

Building manager Norman Steele said: “The two new floors have desks extruded from the floor composed of an unidentifiable element which may cause mutation, so we’re using them as call centres.

“Apart from the carpet which sort of sticks to your feet, almost as if it’s biting them with millions of tiny glass teeth, it all seems fine.”

The Mayor of London said: “There is some concern about the way staff now enter and leave in rigid formation, communicating by only pheromones, and Transport for London would like to know which lines the newly-created self-labelled SHARD UNTER GRUND station will connect to.

“But ultimately who cares if aliens are using our city as an incubation chamber if businesses get free real estate?

“Whatever happens, it can’t destroy more than the hedge fund on the 15th floor already has.”