TWO years ago, Boris Johnson was elected with an 80-seat majority. You thought it would go badly but not this f**king badly. Here’s a timeline:
13th December 2019: Johnson elected. Corbyn revels in well-earned moral victory.
24th December 2019: Johnson reaches suspiciously-timed deal with EU, of which 80 per cent is placeholder text to be sorted out later.
30th December 2019: Conservatives vote through brilliant Brexit deal, complete with Northern Ireland protocol which they will all describe ‘completely unworkable’ within 18 months.
1st-28th February 2020: Pathetic loser scientists types keep bothering the triumphant king while he’s enjoying a well-earned break.
1st March 2020: The king notices what’s going on. Resolves to take no personal precautions and act too late in all cases, and sticks to those resolutions.
23rd March 2020: National lockdown begins.
27th March 2020: Prime minister and health secretary get Covid, just the very people who shouldn’t. Dominic Cummings coincidentally pisses off to Durham.
23rd May 2020: After two months of full lockdown, the UK discovers Dominic Cummings didn’t bother with it because he’s special. The government gives him its full backing despite public outrage because it could not possibly do without him.
28th May 2020: Test and Trace begins burning your f**king money.
19th July 2020: Johnson promises everything will be back to normal by Christmas and there will be no further lockdowns, the lying prick.
17th August 2020: An algorithm gives middle-class kids shit A-levels. Immediate U-turn because it can’t be possible that they’re thick.
13th November 2020: Dominic Cummings, the man who everyone stopped obeying lockdown because of, fired. So that was worth it.
20th November 2020: Priti Patel found to be nasty bully. Johnson agrees that’s her best quality. Standards commissioner resigns.
8th December 2020: Vaccination begins. This will solve everything and there will be no more lockdowns.
18th December 2020: Downing Street holds a lovely big Christmas party for all its hard-working staff.
19th December 2020: Christmas cancelled for the rest of us.
5th January 2021: Second lockdown announced. Lasts for 10,361 million subjective years.
27th June 2021: Matt Hancock caught breaking social distancing rules really hard. Is not going to resign. Resigns.
19th July 2021: Johnson gets Covid again. Announces rules don’t apply to him. U-turns again.
3rd November 2021: Decides to completely abolish all standards in public life because they’re inconvenient to him. Everyone hates this. U-turns again.
30th November 2021: Christmas party exposed. Government commences lying.
7th December 2021: Video of Tories laughing in your f**king face about party released. Johnson furious about it. The video. Not the party.
13th December 2021: Two-year anniversary. Country thinks Boris should resign. Tories think Boris should resign. Ant and Dec think Boris should resign. He’s pinning all his hopes on being the man who saved Christmas.
Next week: Christmas cancelled. Obviously.