Man would love to have even a trace level of toxic masculinity

A MAN lacking all toxic, stereotypically male attributes would not mind having just a hint of them, he has admitted. 

Joseph Turner who is well aware that the patriarchy makes it impossible for men to express emotion or have interests outside of sport or drinking, and thinks that actually could be a relief at times.

He said: “I didn’t fit in at school. Even at university everyone was laddier than me. And now I’m about to hit 30 and I can barely talk to men at all.

“When I’m out for work drinks and one of them talks about getting in a scrap about a pub quiz, I’m riven with empathy and can’t help but ask if they want to share the emotional triggers that drove them to it.

“It really kills the mood. But I just can’t help but not bully my mates. My brother was ripping the piss out of his friend about his girlfriend cheating and I couldn’t help but say ‘Hey, come on, that’s really hurtful.’ Apparently that was ‘weird’.

“I don’t like football, beer tastes horrible, and I think the Marvel films are crap. But though women claim to deplore all this toxic masculinity shit, they don’t seem to like me talking about intersectional feminism either.”

Sister Ruby Turner said: “Yeah, Joe’s not got any of those terrible masculine attitudes that women hate. But he’s also so wet he cried just telling me about the end of Marley & Me.”

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Your uncle who wants something done about litter, and four other key voters Keir Starmer must win over

TO win an election, Labour leader Keir Starmer must get the support of these key demographics: 

Your uncle who hates litter

There’s Brexit, there’s climate change, there’s rocketing inflation and then there’s your retired uncle who firmly believes that the most pressing problem of our age is empty takeaway cartons on the verges of dual carriageways. To get him on side, Starmer needs to push a three-strikes-and-out policy with life sentences.

Your cousin who believes in aliens

Your lovely but batshit cousin Nikki believes in crop circles and ghosts and votes Tory because she thinks they have better contacts within the Illuminati, giving them a better chance of beating the greys when they invade. Keir must prove he’s got a clear strategy for their inevitable attack to win the Rother Valley swing seat.

Your student neighbours who smoke weed

Too young to have voted Corbyn, your neighbours plan to give his ballot to whichever party will enable him to party hardest. Starmer could get their support by simply alluding to legalising cannabis sometime in the next forty years. On the other hand, Boris is funny.

Your Brexit-voting taxi driver who has a flat in Spain

The Tories have really shot themselves in the foot by delivering Brexit to the people who voted for it. A fail-safe Labour play is to reverse Brexit while insisting it’s still Brexit, thus pleasing your ranting driver who can now only spend three months at a time in Malaga.

Your hardcore Tory-voting hairdresser who says she will never ever not vote Tory

To get the full sweep, Sir Keir must win over that most critical part of the electorate: Tories who say they will never vote anything but Tory, even if Boris shot their favourite dog dead. The solution? Change Labour’s name to the Conservative Labour, confusing enough die-hard Tories to get them across the line. Or call for a whites-only UK.