Are you weirdly furious about masks or are you a normal person?

DOES the mere suggestion that wearing a mask might stop the spread of illness send you into apoplectic paranoid fury, or are you normal? Take our quiz.

Do you enjoy freaking out about things that aren’t actually happening?

A) No, there’s an awful lot of real stuff to freak out about at the moment without making up some extra nonsense. No one’s making me wear a mask.

B) Just because they haven’t forced us to wear masks yet, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen any second. Who are ‘they’? Do some research, idiots.

Do you spend too much time on social media?

A) No, it mainly seems to be full of grifters and conspiracy theorists.

B) How much is too much? Because it’s the only place you can discover the truth about everything from chemtrails to ‘the Great Reset’. All those conspiracy theories take time to digest.

Do you think the government is secretly trying to control you?

A) I know the government encourage us to behave a certain way as a population but I don’t think they have a particular interest in me, no. Because I’m not a massive narcissist.

B) Yes, the UK government is a puppet of shadowy forces that want to subjugate me personally, which would definitely happen if I wore a mask for five minutes while popping to Tesco.

Do you use terms like ‘face nappy’ and ‘muzzle’ without feeling embarrassed?

A) Absolutely not. Because I’m a grown adult who understands public health issues and not a conspiracy-addled teenager perpetually plugged into the internet.

B) Of course. I also think the phrase ‘sheeple’ is an excellent demonstration of my towering intellect.

Would you tut at someone you saw wearing a mask on the street?

A) No. They could have anything going on, like a seriously ill relative. Also, I’ve got other things to think about than being a judgemental twat.

B) Yes. They are willingly wearing the shackles of slavery. We must rise up against the Deep State, the World Economic Forum, George Soros, Shergar and whatever other bollocks I’ve got obsessed with on Reddit this week.


Mostly As: You might consider wearing a mask again if health professionals recommended it but at the moment it all seems to be a fuss kicked up by the Daily Mail.

Mostly Bs: You say ‘paranoid’, I say ‘awake’. And of course I’m in an apoplectic fury, I spend several hours a day on Twitter.

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How to survive your workplace's bullshit online training

DO your workplace’s obligatory online training modules make you want to smash your monitor with your coffee mug in frustration? Survive them with this handy guide.

Engage the least possible amount of brain

Don’t read any of the text and click through as quickly as you can. Amazingly, you’ll probably still manage to answer incredibly tough questions like: ‘Should you ask your line manager if you don’t understand something?’ or ‘You punch Tom from marketing in the face. Is this acceptable?’

Do it at the last minute

Your boss has been getting supercilious reminders from HR that only 50 per cent of her team have done the training two days before the deadline, so stress them all out by leaving it until 17.29 on Friday. It’s all about the small victories. 

Find the colleague responsible and take them hostage

Calmly advise security that you are happy to release Martin from compliance with all his fingers still attached as soon as managers have clicked on four jigsaw puzzle-shaped pieces, and dragged them to a corresponding box to learn more about teamwork. It’s such an effective way to gain knowledge you’re surprised the world’s leading universities don’t do it.

Jump out of the window

It may take time to find an actual opening window in the hermetically sealed box that is your office building, possibly designed this way to prevent staff escaping. However, several broken limbs is still better than clicking on and reading about five items that could be a risk to workplace security.

Refuse to do it

Yes, you’ll end up getting fired, sleeping in a bus shelter and using a nearby bin as your toilet, but at least you won’t ever have to watch a clip of an American called Chad telling you about GDPR.