Splash your face with water once a week: How to follow a man's skincare routine

CONTRARY to popular belief, men adhere to a strictly regimented skincare routine. Learn how to follow it with this guide.

Splash your face with water once a week

Not room temperature water that feels good on your skin. No, you should be scooping handfuls of freezing tap water onto your face every seven days to do something to your pores. Open them? Close them? F**k knows. Either way this minimal effort will somehow give you a clear complexion and annoy your girlfriend who faffs about with cleanser.

Shave with a four-month-old disposable razor

Preferably a Bic or any other brand that becomes blunt after shaving half of your face. No need for fancy shit like a triple-blade head with a lubricating strip, a cheap disposable razor will do the job fine. Simply drag its blunt blades across your skin, cut your chin open in several places and let the congealed blood give you that rugged, manly look.

Scrub off caked mud with the rough side of a sponge

As a man you likely come home from work covered in dried-on mud or coal dust from your hard physical graft with other real men. Instead of gently dabbing off this dirt with a flannel, grab a sponge and roughly scrub the filth away with the scratchy bit. If it’s good enough to clean the plates you eat your Super Noodles off, it’s good enough for your face.

Sneer at the very concept of moisturiser

What even is moisturiser, besides an easy but somewhat expensive gift you buy your mum for her birthday and at Christmas? Nobody really knows, so there’s no point investing time and money in finding out. Throw the tubs of this mystery lotion a dismissive sneer next time you’re in Superdrug to buy a bottle of Lucozade.

Admire your face in the mirror

Men are free from the societal expectations that plague women, meaning they’re allowed to admire their blotchy, oily, bleeding skin without fear of recrimination. Shoot that good-looking guy in the mirror riddled with whiteheads a cheeky wink, then change into the unironed, food-stained clothes you’ve put similarly little effort into. Because you’re worth it.

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It can be set to silent, and other reasons why your phone is better than your kids

YOUR Samsung does what you ask it to, while children are annoying, wilful little shits. Here are some other reasons to love your phone more.

It can be set to silent

Ringtones can be annoying, but do you know what’s more annoying? The constant screeching and whining of a child’s voice. The phone can instantly be set to silent, but the same can’t be said for kids, unless you’re happy to hand over all parenting duties to Haribo and Minecraft.

It provides you with interesting information

A smartphone is an incredible machine that can provide you with fascinating information about literally anything via a quick Google. Your child can recount the plot of 357 episodes of Peppa Pig, drone on about dinosaurs and explain why they don’t need to go to bed. And that’s it. 

It requires very little input

All your phone requires from you is that you give it a bit of electricity now and then, and don’t drop it down the toilet. Your child requires food, clothes, toys, a home, education, a social life and loving attention, potentially until the age of 40 or beyond, as it’s unlikely they’ll be able to afford to move out. And it doesn’t even provide Angry Birds in return.

It’s not ruinously expensive

You may have winced when handing over £400 for that shiny new Hauwei but compared to the £150k+ a child costs to raise until the age of 18 it barely registers. You could have a new phone every month for the same money and it would never tell you it hated you and wished it had never been born.

You can get a new one if you don’t like it

After a couple of years your iPhone will get start to feel outdated and crap, especially when compared to all the shiny new models around. But luckily you can just discard it and buy a new one. Unfortunately this isn’t encouraged with children, so you’ll have to put up with yours until some other poor bastard can be persuaded to take it off your hands.