CONTRARY to popular belief, men adhere to a strictly regimented skincare routine. Learn how to follow it with this guide.
Splash your face with water once a week
Not room temperature water that feels good on your skin. No, you should be scooping handfuls of freezing tap water onto your face every seven days to do something to your pores. Open them? Close them? F**k knows. Either way this minimal effort will somehow give you a clear complexion and annoy your girlfriend who faffs about with cleanser.
Shave with a four-month-old disposable razor
Preferably a Bic or any other brand that becomes blunt after shaving half of your face. No need for fancy shit like a triple-blade head with a lubricating strip, a cheap disposable razor will do the job fine. Simply drag its blunt blades across your skin, cut your chin open in several places and let the congealed blood give you that rugged, manly look.
Scrub off caked mud with the rough side of a sponge
As a man you likely come home from work covered in dried-on mud or coal dust from your hard physical graft with other real men. Instead of gently dabbing off this dirt with a flannel, grab a sponge and roughly scrub the filth away with the scratchy bit. If it’s good enough to clean the plates you eat your Super Noodles off, it’s good enough for your face.
Sneer at the very concept of moisturiser
What even is moisturiser, besides an easy but somewhat expensive gift you buy your mum for her birthday and at Christmas? Nobody really knows, so there’s no point investing time and money in finding out. Throw the tubs of this mystery lotion a dismissive sneer next time you’re in Superdrug to buy a bottle of Lucozade.
Admire your face in the mirror
Men are free from the societal expectations that plague women, meaning they’re allowed to admire their blotchy, oily, bleeding skin without fear of recrimination. Shoot that good-looking guy in the mirror riddled with whiteheads a cheeky wink, then change into the unironed, food-stained clothes you’ve put similarly little effort into. Because you’re worth it.
