THE prime minister has outlined his vision of a country where every man, woman and child is a maths-loving spod.
Rishi Sunak, who was Head Spod in his final year at Winchester College, has shared his dream of a country where everyone does long division in their heads for fun and talks about differential equations on the bus.
He continued: “When I entered politics, I expected every serious politician, and especially Tories, to have a solid grasp of number theory. Then I met Boris Johnson.
“But even with that regrettable arts graduate gone, I find nobody shares my sheer joy at multiplying primes to find semiprimes which are factors, or calculating the length of a birdbath’s shadow at 2pm using the data collected at noon.
“We should all love maths, and as prime minister I can make it so. It begins with two years compulsory maths for 16 to 18-year-olds, but it goes up quicker than a Fibonacci sequence. Every adult will love four-hour evening classes on Leibnitz’s coefficients.
“The nation will proudly carry scientific calculators and Helix geometry sets. Joking about set theory with teachers will no longer be stigmatised. Even bullies will only challenge you to name corresponding points on parabolas.”
He added: “I don’t know why anyone does English Lit. It’s all made up.”