Both ends, says Queen

IT is literally exploding out of both ends, Buckingham Palace has announced.

As Her Majesty the Queen was admitted to hospital in London, a Palace spokesman said it was ‘eye-watering’.

He added: “Oof.”

Doctors at the Edward VII Hospital are assessing the monarch’s condition which is understood to be ‘noisily blasphemous’.

A hospital spokesman said: “It’s not quite ‘dear God almighty, please make it stop’. It’s more sort of, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, where’s it all coming from?’.

“She did get up in the middle of the night for a particularly gruesome episode, during which she promised to abdicate.

“She later changed her mind, insisting people say all kinds of things ‘in the heat of the moment’.”

Meanwhile, the Queen’s treatment is complicated by the fact that under the Act of Settlement only the Lord Chancellor, the Astronomer Royal and the Archbishop of Canterbury are allowed to say the word ‘diarrhoea’ to a reigning monarch.

The Palace spokesman added: “Friday’s swan burgers did smell a bit funky.’

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Britons reclassified as snails

UK RESIDENTS are to be reclassified as snails, in a bid to avoid the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights.

The removal of British people from the species Homo sapiens is part of a government plan to extricate the country from certain aspects of the European Union.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Species is a pretty subjective thing, and to be honest ‘slow-moving with a slimy sheen’ seems to describe most of the people one sees in the supermarket.

“If UK citizens are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights can’t have a say.  And if they put together a Court of Snail Rights we’ll just make everyone a sparrow.”

Iain Duncan Smith supports the policy: “There will be immense savings in the welfare system.  As everyone knows, snails carry little houses around on their backs, so are ineligible for Housing Benefit.”

He continued: “It’s also very difficult to tell if a snail is disabled, so almost no one will qualify for disability related benefits, much as with the current system.”

Wayne Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft, said: “I worry this means I will no longer be able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts, without shrivelling up and dying.

“However I understand that most snails are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea of being able to copulate with myself.”