Boycott chicken completely, say pecky food scientists

PUBLIC health officials have advised the public to stop eating chicken while pecking the microphone and squawking intermittently.

Up to 78 per cent of chickens sold in supermarkets are contaminated with campylobacter, according to inspectors who bobbed their heads forward while walking and left feathers everywhere.

Food Standard Agency official Roy Hobbs said: “Chickens are dirty bastards.

“Stop eating them immediately, but continue to feed them and house them so they don’t contaminate animals in the wild like foxes, which they should be kept well away from because of the food chain.

“Maybe start to think of them as more of a pet that you spoil with nice treats, and start eating those big hairy things we don’t like instead.

“What are they called? Dogs? Yeah, dogs. We knew that, because we’re people.”

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Actually we are a bit plebby, admit policemen

POLICEMEN have admitted they enjoy Typhoo tea, the comedian Jethro and Sweet & Spicy Pot Noodles.

“All my clothes come from the catalogue”

The officers confirmed that most of them live in new-build semis furnished by DFS, and that they prefer reading novels based on true events, like those by Andy McNab.

PC Norman Steele, from Stevenage, said: “Me and the wife watch The One Show because it’s telling you what’s going on in the world, isn’t it?

“We’ve got a 60-inch telly because we never go out to shows or anything fancy like that. They’re not for us.

“Usually she cooks and she can work wonders with a jar of Chicken Tonight, but sometimes I do my famous Leek & Ham Pasta N Sauce.

“After that I crack a Skol and she has a glass of Lambrini while we do a wordsearch and listen to some Il Divo.

“They’re like opera but with proper songs, like Unbreak Your Heart, but changed into foreign so it’s classy.”

Steele stressed the Andrew Mitchell libel case will not change his values or beliefs and that he will continue to vote Conservative.