Scotland commission unveils hideously deformed camel

THE commission on new powers for Scotland has unveiled a camel with nine legs, seven humps and 13 buttocks.

Lord Smith says the camel is the ‘best of both worlds for disgusting weirdos’

The Smith Commission revealed the hideous creature to screams of horror as onlookers fainted, vomited and ran through plate glass windows in a desperate attempt to flee.

Chairman Lord Smith said: “We tried to come up with a coherent set of powers, but somehow this abomination was dragged into existence.

“From certain angles it doesn’t look too bad. Just keep away from its rear because – as you will see – every 30 seconds it sprays liquid dung like a fireman’s hose.

“There it goes. Oh my god.”

As two of the creature’s legs fell off, Smith added: “That was supposed to happen.”

Prime minister David Cameron welcomed the horrific camel, insisting Britain would grow to love its eye-watering stench.

He said: “The Scots can use the camel to frighten people away from the abandoned fairground where they stash their gold.

“Or they can use it to force some English people into giving up the best picnic table in a lovely park.

“And when it dies they’ll probably just eat it.”


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Jurassic World tells story of enjoyable day out at safety-conscious dinosaur park

THE new Jurassic Park sequel features no peril because of improved health and safety at the dinosaur park.

Screenwriter Tom Booker said: “Obviously they’re already had a lot of mishaps at the park – like dinosaurs escaping, numerous people getting eaten and everything being reduced to twisted charred wreckage.

“So in this instalment they’ve got really high fences on the dinosaur enclosures, loads of guards and even a back-up generator so that if there’s a power cut the velociraptors don’t escape.

“We follow a family that visits the park, sees all the cool dinosaurs, buys some merchandise and then have a bit of an argument on the way home because the kids are over-tired.

“There is less excitement but realistically the park management are not going to fuck up again, they would get closed down for sure.”