Miliband reveals packed gaffe schedule

ED Miliband has revealed that he is struggling with his packed diary of PR blunders.

The Labour leader said: “As the election nears, I’m booked for up to three public fuck ups a day. That’s a lot, even for me.

“On Monday, I am attending a Championship fixture where a botched photo opportunity will see me grappling with a football mascot in a way that looks like I am sodomising it. 

“Tuesday will see me set fire to a poppy field, again entirely by accident. Wednesday I’m going to casually kick a dried dog turd onto a war memorial flowerbed in the Home Counties.

“And on Saturday I will misread cue cards, pledging on television that every single foreign worker seeking employment in this country will get a blow job.”

A Labour spokesman said, “It is important that the public see the real Ed Miliband as he is – error-prone, not quite human and catastrophic in any social situation.”