Miliband reveals packed gaffe schedule

ED Miliband has revealed that he is struggling with his packed diary of PR blunders.

The Labour leader said: “As the election nears, I’m booked for up to three public fuck ups a day. That’s a lot, even for me.

“On Monday, I am attending a Championship fixture where a botched photo opportunity will see me grappling with a football mascot in a way that looks like I am sodomising it. 

“Tuesday will see me set fire to a poppy field, again entirely by accident. Wednesday I’m going to casually kick a dried dog turd onto a war memorial flowerbed in the Home Counties.

“And on Saturday I will misread cue cards, pledging on television that every single foreign worker seeking employment in this country will get a blow job.”

A Labour spokesman said, “It is important that the public see the real Ed Miliband as he is – error-prone, not quite human and catastrophic in any social situation.”

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Bristol fog smells suspiciously of skunk

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

Experts believe the thick haze causing limited visibility in the city may be the result of locals’ voracious appetite for hydroponically-grown sedatives.

27-year-old Easton resident Martin Bishop said: “Weather should not make me feel this lethargic and self-conscious.

“Maybe as a city it is time to accept that we are smoking too much.”

Meteorologist Stephen Malley said: “There is so much smoking happening here that it has formed an atmospheric layer blocking out the sun. I call it an ambient skunk crust.”

He added: “Nowhere on Earth do people love weed more than Bristol. In about eight years’ time the BBC will make an award-winning documentary about it.”