How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

Dear Holly,

Since losing weight I have been rediscovering my youth somewhat by going to all night dance parties. Unfortunately, people at work have started to comment that I look a little tired around the eyes. How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

George Osbourne,

Westminster

Dear George,

The people at work are just jealous they didn’t get to go to a party. At my school, when you have a birthday party, you have to invite everyone in the class, even the smelly kids, so that no poor child has to experience the pain of rejection. This means your whole house gets raided by 35 sugar-crazed maniacs who want to dance Gangnam style all over the furniture and insert Wotsits into the DVD player. Plus your mum has a nervous breakdown when she finds a human turd in her Orla Kiely sewing basket for the second year in a row.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Everyone in crisis except Chelsea

CHELSEA is the one football club in Europe not presently descending into chaos, it has been confirmed.

Not presently fucked

After seeing off Schalke 5-0, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho lavished praise on his players while surveying the wrecked hopes and dreams of every other team in the continent.

The Portuguese coach said: “It was good to win, because look, everyone else is up shit creek.

“Bayern lost, Benfica lost, Dortmund lost, Barcelona are going backwards, and everyone at Real Madrid hates everyone else.

“Now we need to focus on Sunderland, who are having a car crash of a season, but they’re not bottom of the table because six teams are somehow even worse.

“It is important that we put some distance between ourselves and the chasing pack, so we can sit back and watch them fall apart in a variety of hilarious, self-inflicted ways.”

Of Chelsea’s title rivals, Manchester City are woefully underperforming, Liverpool’s transfer policy has been a disaster, Manchester United have a catastrophic injury crisis, and Arsenal are doing an Arsenal.

Elsewhere in England, around forty clubs are poised to sack their manager following a run of bad results, thirty are teetering on the brink of administration, and another ten are dealing with the fallout from an employee’s ill-judged comments on social media.

A Chelsea spokesman confirmed that Roman Abramovich might decide to sack Mourinho and lurch Chelsea back into crisis, just for the hell of it.

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