How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

Dear Holly,

Since losing weight I have been rediscovering my youth somewhat by going to all night dance parties. Unfortunately, people at work have started to comment that I look a little tired around the eyes. How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

George Osbourne,

Westminster

Dear George,

The people at work are just jealous they didn’t get to go to a party. At my school, when you have a birthday party, you have to invite everyone in the class, even the smelly kids, so that no poor child has to experience the pain of rejection. This means your whole house gets raided by 35 sugar-crazed maniacs who want to dance Gangnam style all over the furniture and insert Wotsits into the DVD player. Plus your mum has a nervous breakdown when she finds a human turd in her Orla Kiely sewing basket for the second year in a row.

Hope that helps,

Holly