Killer seals playing pretentious mind games with police

KILLER seals are attempting to engage police in pseudo-intellectual cat-and-mouse games.

Thinks he is a fish-guzzling evil genius

The seals, thought to be responsible for killing several porpoises, have sent officers a series of ‘cryptic’ messages.

Detective inspector Tom Logan said: “I suspected the seals were attempting to contact us when I received a soggy envelope covered in seaweed.

“Inside was a message implying the killings were connected to signs of the zodiac, but I don’t think they’d thought it through properly because it was too vague to lead to a proper battle of wits.

“Then I got one with a nursery rhyme and some extremely easy anagrams, which I immediately worked out as ‘Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch a tail of porpoise’.

“That was poor too because it doesn’t quite make sense and they obviously got the idea from Die Hard with a Vengeance

Logan added that he would not be following instructions to deliver a crate of fish to a location in the North Sea because it was obviously an attempt to toy with him and seals cannot be charged with crimes anyway.

Grey seal Roy Hobbs said: “The police can work out the date of my next murder by cross-referencing verse numbers from the Bible with Catcher in the Rye, but only if they’ve got exactly the right editions.”

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'Perfectionism' just an excuse to have massive tantrums

PEOPLE who claim to be perfectionists are just moody bastards, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that self-styled perfectionists were not really interested in being better at things, but simply wanted an excuse to shout at people.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People describe themselves as perfectionists like it’s a medical condition. In America they even call it a ‘Type A personality’. The subtext is ‘so I have full clearance to be a dick’.”

Professor Brubaker believes that despite the claims of perfectionists to be a bit special, nobody likes things to be done badly.

“If you ask someone whether they would rather have a perfect cake or a smashed-up one with dirty fingerprints all over it, the answer is pretty obvious.

“Therefore everyone is a perfectionist. Or to put it another way, perfectionism is just bollocks.”