Boyfriend gets massage right by total accident

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

The massage took place shortly after midnight on Sunday, when Nikki Hollis arrived at Tom Booker’s flat after finishing her shift behind the bar at a local pub.

Booker said: “We haven’t been seeing each other that long so when she asked me if I could give her a massage, I wasn’t going to say no.

“I’ve given previous girlfriends massages but they’ve never gone well. Some have probably caused more harm than good if I’m being totally honest.

“I’m guessing that’s because I’m not a trained masseur. I work for an insurance company.”

Booker added: “But this time, I just thought ‘fuck it’, I’ll rub and push and basically copy what I’ve seen people doing on television shows and in films.

“And what do you know, she actually said it was relaxing and asked me if I would do it again for her sometime. I said ‘of course’ but the likelihood of me getting it right twice in a row is non-existent

“The next time she asks, I’ll just pretend to faint.”

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Leeds United's Stephen Warnock wins Ballon d'Or

LEEDS United full-back Stephen Warnock has been awarded the Ballon d’Or.

One in the eye for Europe

The 33-year-old, who has scored 15 goals in 339 appearances, beat Ronaldo and Lionel Messi to be named the best footballer in the world while negotiating a transfer to Derby County.

Ballon d’Or judge Denys Finch Hatton said: “Only one of the voters had Stephen Warnock top of their list – Bayern Munich manager Pep Guardiola is apparently a huge fan – but he was named by almost everyone for his steadfast workrate and commitment.

“And because the Ronaldo-Messi rivalry split voters Warnock was able to sneak in and take the top spot, just like when he scored a wind-assisted goal last February to earn his club a 2-1 victory against Yeovil Town.”

Warnock said: “I suppose the cream of European football must have noticed my years with Blackburn and Villa, not to mention my successful loan stints with Coventry and Bolton, and decided to reward me with the game’s highest individual honour.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get back on the training pitch to shout ‘Hoof it forward, for fuck’s sake’.”