Brain Surgery Exams 'Too Hard' Says Government

Brain surgery exams are to be made much easier because not enough people are applying to become brain surgeons, the Government has announced.

Only 500 people sat and passed the tough examination last year but Britain contains at least 65 million brains, many of which need almost constant surgical maintenance.

Questions in the old difficult exam would typically ask candidates to identify brain areas such as the hypothalamus and set out in detail what functions they performed.

Under the new regime people will secure a pass mark if they can point to a brain on a table and then point to their heads to show they know where their own brain lives.

The new easier brain exams are one of a whole host of tests the Government is making more simple because too many people are failing.

For example, the new driving test which is being introduced next April will no longer regard driving the wrong way up a motorway as an automatic fail.

Under the Government’s new brain regime anyone with a relevant qualification, such as a City and Guilds in carpentry or at least two years work experience as a plumber’s mate, will be able to sit the simplified exam, and not just already qualified doctors.

Jack Weil, head of on-the-job training for Drain Doctors in Dundee, said none of his plumbers had attempted the move into brain surgery, despite the name of his firm.

He said: “The household toilet is very similar to the human brain, once it gets filled up with shit you’ve got a real problem.

“I know my men could remove an awful lot of crap from most people’s heads with either a plunger or one of those great big Hoover things, if only they were given the chance.”

A Government spokesman said the changes were necessary because you could not get a brain surgeon to come out these days “for love or money”.

She said: “The Yellow Pages is full of adverts for people who say they will fix you head, but phone one up and he won’t be free until next Thursday at the earliest.”

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Superman Suit Will Enable Wearer To See Women's Undies

SCIENTISTS could one day develop a 'Superman' suit that will give the wearer x-ray vision, allowing him to look at women's underwear through their clothes.

Research, published in the International Journal of Physics, suggests that emerging technologies could pave the way for a new generation of fully-functioning superhero costumes.

Not only will humans be able to scale walls, but a Spiderman costume will allow them to catch their enemies in a huge net and deliver them safely to the police.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of Dundee University, said: "The owner of the Superman suit could walk through a crowd totally looking at all the women's bras and panties and no-one would know.

"He'd also be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound which means he can look at all the women's undies on one side of the building on the way up, and then look at all the other women's undies on the other side of the building on the way down."

He added: "The suit will also allow him to travel at the speed of light which means he could steal dozens of pairs of undies from the same neighbourhood, give them a right good sniff and have them back in the laundry before anyone even knows they're gone."

According to Brubaker, the owner of a Batman costume would possess the superhuman ability to host fabulous Oscar Night parties and have a great eye for interiors.