Thursday, 6th May 2021

Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm

A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.

Scientists believe the variant, which was discovered mixing self-importantly in an abandoned warehouse in Stokes Croft, has turned to DJing to make ends meet.

Virologist Julian Cook said: “Covid-19 has proven to be a resilient, adaptable virus, and this variant is no exception. Although it can’t crossfade between Massive Attack and Portishead to save its life.

“By learning how to use turntables the virus probably thought it could carve out a unique and lucrative side gig. However Bristol is filled with millions of failed DJs who will tell you that simply isn’t the case.”

The Bristol mutation said: “One of the biggest downsides to being a respiratory disease is the nobody wants to share a room with you, let alone crowd together while you f**k about with a sound desk.

“I should’ve really thought this through before splashing out on monitor speakers and getting a load of flyers printed for my club night. Fingers crossed they start vaccinating dreadlocked stoners soon.”