Are you planning to go on holiday this year or stay alive?

YOU want a holiday, but on the other hand you might die and infect lots of other people in the process. It’s quite the dilemma. Take our quiz and see if you should go.

How do you view egg and chips?

A) Not the world’s most exciting meal.

B) Lovely, but it never tastes as good at home as eating it in Spain. Definitely worth an epidemiologically hazardous plane journey for.

Would you risk your life for a two-week break in Corfu?

A) No, obviously not.

B) Yes. We need to ‘Holiday Out to Help Out’. We had a great restaurant scheme like this last year, and I’m pretty sure there weren’t any bad consequences. However I only read the Daily Express so all my latest news is about Princess Diana.

Could you survive without a holiday this year?

A) I’d like a holiday, but yes.

B) NO! We’ve been literally imprisoned in our homes. Apart from walks, going to the supermarket, B&Q, the gym, parties and driving to the countryside despite being told not to. We’re under tighter restrictions than Hannibal Lecter, and I’ve never even eaten anyone.

Are you being a bit ‘entitled’ about this?

A) No, I’ll postpone my holiday if I have to.

B) Yes, because we’re entitled to a holiday, even when there’s a global crisis going on. It’s in the Magna Carta, probably. It’s my basic inalienable human right to get drunk by a swimming pool in Tunisia on the cheap.

Mostly As: What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you like holidays? Book a flight to Malaga NOW – it’s only people with underlying conditions who pop their clogs. 

Mostly Bs: You are so right. Do not let anyone stop you getting third-degree sunburn to add to your Covid symptoms.

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Mark Kermode's pretentious review of an empty cinema

CINEMAS have been pushing boundaries recently by showing f**k all. Mark Kermode reviews their minimalist content: 

There is no bigger mystery box than cinema, according to director J.J Abrams who made a lot of films I didn’t like and the criminally underrated avant garde masterpiece Gone Fishin’. And judging by Hollywood’s recent output, he’s totally right.

I’ve been sitting in empty movie theatres for months now, often having to sneak in through bathroom windows just to get a front row seat to big screens showing absolutely nothing, and I’m as baffled as a layman would be at episode eight of Twin Peaks: The Return. 

No sound, no picture; it’s a daring directorial choice that even Michael Haneke or Jonas Mekas wouldn’t dare attempt. The narrative also breaks all the rules by introducing no characters and throwing the three-act structure in the bin.

This sense of unease familiar from Stan Brakhage’s oeuvre was also found in the deserted box office, darkened toilets, and stale popcorn machine. I haven’t seen anything this avant-garde since Secret Cinema did Un Chien Andalou. 

A jarring interlude when a projector whirred into life and began showing Tenet, because I turned it on thinking it was the light switch, briefly ruined my enjoyment until it broke and plunged me into darkness reminiscent of Bela Tarr’s Satantango. 

For my full eight-and-a-half-hour long review of this harrowing and vital cinematic experience, listen to my podcast where I graciously let Simon Mayo get a word in occasionally while referencing more directors you’ve never heard of.