GREETINGS, brave adventurer! Can you succeed in our most challenging interactive fantasy yet – getting vaccinated before you’re exposed to Covid?
1 You are at home, as usual. Do you try to get vaccinated? If so, go to 2. If not, go to 3.
2 Roll a dice (and that is the correct contemporary spelling, pedants) to determine your age. If you roll 5 or 6 you are over 75, so go to 4 while complaining about bladder control issues. If you roll between 1 and 4, you are under 50 and are f**ked. Go to 3.
3 You are not going for a jab and are stuck at home forever. Minutes turn into hours. Even masturbation has lost its excitement and freshness. Slump onto the sofa with some ginger biscuits and a shit episode of The New Avengers on ITV4. Your adventure ends here.
4 You set out on the path to vaccination. Do you get the bus (go to 6) or walk (go to 5)?
5 An anti-vaxxer blocks your way, talking bollocks about Bill Gates. Prepare to do verbal combat with your dice. If you roll 1-3, you are convinced by this nonsense so go to 3. If you roll 4-6 you tell them to f**k off and go to 8. If it’s Laurence Fox remind him he only had a supporting role in Lewis, the twat.
6 The bus is full of idiots who think that wearing a mask occasionally will ward off Covid, and also go to busy gyms because they are simpletons with abs. Go to 7.
7 You are dead. This is a downer, but at least you need not stress about an Ocado delivery for the foreseeable future. Swings and roundabouts. Your adventure ends here.
8 You have reached your GP’s surgery. Genuine protection against Covid is finally in sight. You feel like an exhausted but triumphant Frodo who’s just destroyed the ring in Mordor. Unfortunately all vaccinations have been cancelled because Boris Johnson is doing a photo opportunity dressed as a doctor. Your adventure ends here.