Can you get a jab before you get Covid? An interactive fantasy for all ages

GREETINGS, brave adventurer! Can you succeed in our most challenging interactive fantasy yet – getting vaccinated before you’re exposed to Covid?

1 You are at home, as usual. Do you try to get vaccinated? If so, go to 2. If not, go to 3.

2 Roll a dice (and that is the correct contemporary spelling, pedants) to determine your age. If you roll 5 or 6 you are over 75, so go to 4 while complaining about bladder control issues. If you roll between 1 and 4, you are under 50 and are f**ked. Go to 3.

3 You are not going for a jab and are stuck at home forever. Minutes turn into hours. Even masturbation has lost its excitement and freshness. Slump onto the sofa with some ginger biscuits and a shit episode of The New Avengers on ITV4. Your adventure ends here.

4 You set out on the path to vaccination. Do you get the bus (go to 6) or walk (go to 5)?

5 An anti-vaxxer blocks your way, talking bollocks about Bill Gates. Prepare to do verbal combat with your dice. If you roll 1-3, you are convinced by this nonsense so go to 3. If you roll 4-6 you tell them to f**k off and go to 8. If it’s Laurence Fox remind him he only had a supporting role in Lewis, the twat.

6 The bus is full of idiots who think that wearing a mask occasionally will ward off Covid, and also go to busy gyms because they are simpletons with abs. Go to 7.

7 You are dead. This is a downer, but at least you need not stress about an Ocado delivery for the foreseeable future. Swings and roundabouts. Your adventure ends here.

8 You have reached your GP’s surgery. Genuine protection against Covid is finally in sight. You feel like an exhausted but triumphant Frodo who’s just destroyed the ring in Mordor. Unfortunately all vaccinations have been cancelled because Boris Johnson is doing a photo opportunity dressed as a doctor. Your adventure ends here.

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How to move to the country and not turn Tory

SWAPPING urban life for the slow pace of the country? Worried that the bracing scent of fresh manure will make you right-wing? Here’s how to avoid it: 

Choose your pub carefully

You used to spend many happy hours with like-minded liberals in your local gastropub. In your new homestead, once pubs are open you can choose between nests of gin-blossomed colonels, self-made tax-hating entrepreneurs and people determined that London should be destroyed, having once visited Woking.

Build a bunker

In the countryside people drop round unexpectedly, but being caught perusing the Guardian or watching BBC news without scowling is social death. A hidden bunker will allow you to indulge in proscribed liberal media without the entire county finding out and subjecting you to an ongoing campaign of pointing and tutting.

Avoid the Women’s Institute

It sounds like harmless jam-making and nude calendars. In reality it’s a far-right gathering more extreme than the Nazis and the Ku-Klux Klan. Within three visits you’ll be sewing fascist flags, plotting the execution of everyone under 25 and hearing a delightful talk from a sweet old lady who turns out to be Ilsa, she-wolf of the SS.

Homeschool your kids

When schools return be careful. Chats with mums at the school gates will focus on migrants taking all the fruit-picking jobs they would never let their kids do, and lessons will cover maths, English and the benefits of a one-party state. Homeschooling is safer.

Don’t go dogging

An illicit quickie in the passenger footwell of some stranger’s car by the A44 might sound tempting. But rural dogging is in fact a depressingly sordid world full of ruddy-faced middle-aged men and subordinate women, a lot like a meeting of the 1922 Committee.