Britain welcomes wheat shortage

A WHEAT shortage has left Britons delighted at not having to eat boring things.

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “We normally have toast for breakfast or Shredded Wheat, even though it tastes like baked string.

“But this morning we all just had a delicious bowl of sugar and a few slices of butter.”

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “A lot of toss is written about ‘artisan bread’ but really it’s just a dull thing that lets you handle meat while keeping your fingers dry.

“However sandwiches without bread are a bit difficult to eat, so I put my fillings between two pieces of foam rubber and suck them out like an anteater.”

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'Drinksitting' to become a legitimate weekend activity

Pressure from lobbyists has forced the leisure industry to officially lift the stigma attached to sedentary intoxication.

Millions of people will spend the weekend watching a pile of bottles and cans steadily obscure the view of their television before downing a pint of water and crawling into bed some time after midnight on Sunday.

The pastime will become known as ‘drinksitting’, with The National Trust card giving discounts at over 300 off licenses around the country.

Desk occupant Nikki Hollis said: ““That bitch in accounts always looks down her nose at me when she lists her weekend itinerary of craft fairs and museums and I just mumble something about having a quiet one.

“”But this lunch break when she asks I’’m going to list all the booze I’’ve got in my fridge, and give her a pitying look when she says she has no plans for being sick down her front at 3am on Sunday morning.””

As life in the UK becomes increasingly bleak, drinksitting will become even more popular, with most Monday work conversations including the phrases ‘’they were all pissy so I just binned them’’ and ‘‘let off with a caution’’.

Hollis said: ““Next weekend I might try the bars at the National Portrait Gallery and the Barbican Centre before shotgunning some Stella in the park next to the London Eye. It’’ll be a nice day out for the kids.””