Husbands are the grown-up equivalent of boy bands

Dear Holly,

My wife has grown distant from me. I am probably being paranoid, but yesterday I caught her with the postman’s hand up her dressing gown. She claims he mistook her for a post box and was just picking up the days’ letters, but I am beginning to wonder if there isn’t something going on.



Dear Roger,

From what I can tell, husbands are like the grown-up equivalent of boy bands. They are intensely appealing for about six months at most and then they quickly grow tiresome. Try to look at it from a girl’s point of view for a change. One minute you’re at a JLS gig being treated for hysteria in the Birmingham NEC medical tent; the next you are using your posters of Aston Merrygold and Co. to line the cage of Mr Bobbles your pet hamster. Ladies can’t help being fickle about men, we just like to keep our options open. The best course of action for you now is to accept defeat, occupy yourself with a substance abuse problem for a few years and then try to win the affections of your wife back when she’s a desperate middle-aged loser, lacking entirely in taste and street cred. If it can work for Take That, it can work for you.

Hope that helps!


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Britain's potholes now a tourist attraction

THE impressive holes in Britain’s road have become a draw for foreign tourists.

Thousands of overseas visitors are coming to marvel at the country’s moon-like road surfaces, with a 2.6m pothole dubbed ‘Gladstone’ proving the main draw.

34-year-old American Tom Logan said: “I love the English eccentricity of your roads. They’re just so…quaintly post-apocalyptic.

“Driving around you get constantly jolted, it’s like being on a rollercoaster or maybe another less thrilling ride that mainly just hurts your buttocks.”

Other popular potholes include 2.4m ‘Smokey Joe’ in Wiltshire and a cluster of smaller holes dubbed ‘Johnson’s Archipelago’ on a B road near Birmingham.

28-year-old Japanese tourist Tamiko Inoue said: “It is thrilling to look at your potholes and wonder who put them there. It is a mystery like Stonehenge.

“I think if you joined them all with a line it would spell ‘Greetings from Mars’.”

UK driver Emma Bradford said: “I am not the sort of person who normally gives a shit about ‘motoring issues’ but I’m getting piles just from driving to the shop twice a day.

“Still, I do feel weirdly proud that there’s a pothole on my road that’s longer and wider than a cow.”