British children now 92% ham

MOST British children under the age of 12 now consist mainly of ham, according to a leading health charity.

A typical packed lunch

The World Cancer Research Fund said a typical UK child was made up of 91.8% ham, 4.3% cheese, 2.1% Fanta and 1.8% Wotsits.

A spokesman said: “We need to restore the ham-cheese balance and parents can help by not giving their child a large ham to take to school every day.”

The charity said parents are often unaware of the need to stop giving their children ham because they cannot understand what the child is saying because its mouth is too full of ham.

Kyle Stephenson, 11, from Doncaster, said between mouthfuls of ham: “I’m already carrying a schoolbag containing books, a pencil case and occasionally my PE kit, so I could do without having to carry a six pound ham as well.

“I also don’t want to grow up without having had the chance to eat a whole roast chicken or maybe even a leg of lamb.”

Meanwhile anti-ham campaigners are calling on Hollywood to remove ham from its family blockbusters.

Dr Wayne Hayes, director of Hamstoppers, said: “Why is it that GI Joe and Harry Potter are always guzzling great fistfuls of ham while Voldemort and the bad Transformers are always nibbling on radishes?”

But a spokesman for the British Ham Council said: “Ham is full of Vitamin C, Vitamin A and anti-oxidants, as well as incredibly generous amounts of salt.

“It’s like drinking a big, pink, solid glass of mango juice with extra fat.”