Sunday, 9th May 2021

'Can I have sex with my neighbour's cat?': Your Tier 3 questions answered

AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.

Can I have sex with my neighbour’s cat?

There is no risk of catching Covid from pets and you could always invite the cat into your ‘social bubble’. However having sex with cats is wrong and disgusting, however bored you are. So ‘no’.

Is Rishi Sunak going to give me more free food?

No, that’s finished now. He’s a Tory, remember? And stop being obsessed with free stuff, you tight bastard.

How many people can I mix with? 

At home, no one outside your household. But six in parks and pubs with food and 30 at funerals. You can meet 15 at weddings and f**k knows with gyms. So if you want to go out on the pull, your best chance is at a funeral. There are usually drinks too, so it’s a bit like a night out.

Can I go for a working lunch in a pub?

This is a potential loophole boozehounds could exploit. But ask yourself whether the chance to get pissed is worth it if it means talking shop with twats from work, then getting sacked later that afternoon for being paralytically drunk in a Zoom meeting.

Am I allowed to do amateur dramatics? 

No. A play with a sizeable cast like Our Town exceeds the rule of six, and anyway it will be shit and the only people in the audience will be embarrassed relatives you’ve press-ganged into it.

Can I sit in my garden?

Absolutely forbidden. In the spirit of keeping the rules as confusing as possible, sitting on your own in the garden with a cup of tea will be punishable by a bullet in the head from a police marksman.