'Can I have sex with my neighbour's cat?': Your Tier 3 questions answered

AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.

Can I have sex with my neighbour’s cat?

There is no risk of catching Covid from pets and you could always invite the cat into your ‘social bubble’. However having sex with cats is wrong and disgusting, however bored you are. So ‘no’.

Is Rishi Sunak going to give me more free food?

No, that’s finished now. He’s a Tory, remember? And stop being obsessed with free stuff, you tight bastard.

How many people can I mix with? 

At home, no one outside your household. But six in parks and pubs with food and 30 at funerals. You can meet 15 at weddings and f**k knows with gyms. So if you want to go out on the pull, your best chance is at a funeral. There are usually drinks too, so it’s a bit like a night out.

Can I go for a working lunch in a pub?

This is a potential loophole boozehounds could exploit. But ask yourself whether the chance to get pissed is worth it if it means talking shop with twats from work, then getting sacked later that afternoon for being paralytically drunk in a Zoom meeting.

Am I allowed to do amateur dramatics? 

No. A play with a sizeable cast like Our Town exceeds the rule of six, and anyway it will be shit and the only people in the audience will be embarrassed relatives you’ve press-ganged into it.

Can I sit in my garden?

Absolutely forbidden. In the spirit of keeping the rules as confusing as possible, sitting on your own in the garden with a cup of tea will be punishable by a bullet in the head from a police marksman.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The hot facial hair styles that will look bloody awful on you

SEEN a picture of a dude with fancy facial hair and decided you could look just as hot after some nifty razor action? You’ll never pull off these bold looks:

Mutton chops

You’re aiming for Wolverine or White Album John Lennon but you have nothing in common with either mutant legend and no bushy sideburn overgrowth can fix that. At best you’ll look like a bloke who channels his racism into American Civil War reenactment.

Horseshoe moustache

What to make a statement? Nothing says ‘I’m having a breakdown and drink soup from the tin’ like a horseshoe moustache. Why not go the full Hulk Hogan and bleach it too?

The full hipster

If you really want to dazzle, why not brave the itching and just let it grow? Because rewilding your face makes look like an absolute dick. It’s a style that even makes Joaquin Phoenix look like Mr Twit. Trim it like Trudeau, he gets action.

Designer stubble

You may think that trimming just a little to simulate a few days of casual stubble will add that extra ounce of sex appeal. In reality, you’ll look less like George Clooney and more like a man who’s pretty much given up, ie post-corona Boris Johnson.

Chin strip

Yes, we’re all spending more time indoors these days, but that’s no excuse. Even around the house a carefully curated line of hair down your chin make your children question their love for you and terrifies delivery drivers. You look like a badly-moulded Action Man.

Forked beard

If you find yourself Googling ‘how do I make my beard double pointy’ then spend a few hours in damn hard contemplation. Who do you think you are, Satan? You think he’ll take kindly to you rocking his look?