Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham. 

The mayor of Manchester, who delivered his famous Sermon Interrupted By Blokes With Mobiles yesterday, must be punished for his truth-telling before his persecuted region can be granted £60 million in support funding.

He said: “Well, looks like I’m suffering for Manchester’s sins. Absolutely bloody typical.

“We’re having the supper tonight at Burnage Community Centre – potato pie, black peas, curry sauce, brown ale, there’s a bouncy castle on for the kiddies – before I’m marched out to the car park by Covid marshalls.

“I’ll be tried by Zoom by some hand-washing bugger then I’ll drag my cross up Tandle Hill in pissing rain. Lowry’s going to do a lovely painting of it, all grim and brown.

“Then I’m nailed up by a couple of solid craftsmen, local lads, they’d do a good job on your kitchen, and after that death under a low sky in constant drifting drizzle.

“Stalybridge Old Band are doing a brass version of I Am The Resurrection but it won’t happen, like. We don’t hold with that sentimental bollocks up here.”

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Backs just hurt, thirtysomethings told

BACKS just hurt, people in their 30s have been told.

Doctors have confirmed that near-constant shoulder and spine pain is a fact of life for anyone in their 30s, is not in any way treatable or cureable and will remain for the rest of their lives.

Dr Helen Archer said: “You can stop Googling it and stretching. Backs just hurt when you’re over 30, end of.

“It’s science. All the ergonomic chairs, massage balls and orthopedic shoes in the world won’t change it. Spending a fortune on an overengineered miracle mattress won’t help.

“While the exact cause of back pain is still unknown, we suspect it’s related to the weight of all the stupid mistakes you’ve made up in your life so far. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so universal.

“So yes, some of you will never stand up again without letting out a little yelp of pain. Others will go down on one knee to pick up a dropped quid for life.

“Soon you’ll be 40. Enjoy not having constant knee pain and getting up for a wee three times a night while you can.”