Friday, 4th December 2020

Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham. 

The mayor of Manchester, who delivered his famous Sermon Interrupted By Blokes With Mobiles yesterday, must be punished for his truth-telling before his persecuted region can be granted £60 million in support funding.

He said: “Well, looks like I’m suffering for Manchester’s sins. Absolutely bloody typical.

“We’re having the supper tonight at Burnage Community Centre – potato pie, black peas, curry sauce, brown ale, there’s a bouncy castle on for the kiddies – before I’m marched out to the car park by Covid marshalls.

“I’ll be tried by Zoom by some hand-washing bugger then I’ll drag my cross up Tandle Hill in pissing rain. Lowry’s going to do a lovely painting of it, all grim and brown.

“Then I’m nailed up by a couple of solid craftsmen, local lads, they’d do a good job on your kitchen, and after that death under a low sky in constant drifting drizzle.

“Stalybridge Old Band are doing a brass version of I Am The Resurrection but it won’t happen, like. We don’t hold with that sentimental bollocks up here.”