Catching Covid fifth worst thing that can happen to you in Northern pub

THE government’s plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.

Locals have confirmed that getting into a fight with seven angry bikers out for a jaunt round the Yorkshire Dales is much more likely to kill you than a measly little illness.

Barnsley local Roy Hobbs said: “There are far worse things than Covid lurking in the shitholes I drink at.

“If you don’t get bludgeoned by a big lad with a pool cue, you’ll end up stuck talking to a nutter drinking snakebite and feeding pickled eggs to his dog.

“Plus, the toilets are covered in germs that would put the bubonic plague to shame, let alone coronavirus. If you leave without a catching a rash from a toilet seat that requires a trip to A&E, you’ve had a cracking night out.

“The very worst thing that can happen to you, of course, is being a Southerner. Then you deserve all the beatings you get, plus Covid on top for good measure.”

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Husband who says 'We're pregnant' forgetting whose genitals babies come out of

A MAN declaring ‘We’re pregnant’ to family and friends appears to have forgotten that his wife is the person who will actually push the baby out through her genitals.

Stephen Malley has been proudly taking equal credit even though he is not carrying a seven-pound human around in his abdomen and will not have to pump it out of one of his smallest orifices.

Emma Malley said: “Whilst I’m pleased Stephen is so enthusiastic about being a father I can’t help but want to smack him in the face for thinking his role in the actual pregnancy is any bigger than a slightly underwhelming shag eight months ago.

“Once this thing is out of me he will be of exactly the same importance in terms of parenting. Until then he can take his talk of our ‘shared journey’ and stuff it up his bum.”

Stephen Malley said: “We’re being a bit angry and insulting at the moment, but that’s probably because of our hormones or something.”