Sunday, 1st November 2020

Catching Covid fifth worst thing that can happen to you in Northern pub

THE government’s plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.

Locals have confirmed that getting into a fight with seven angry bikers out for a jaunt round the Yorkshire Dales is much more likely to kill you than a measly little illness.

Barnsley local Roy Hobbs said: “There are far worse things than Covid lurking in the shitholes I drink at.

“If you don’t get bludgeoned by a big lad with a pool cue, you’ll end up stuck talking to a nutter drinking snakebite and feeding pickled eggs to his dog.

“Plus, the toilets are covered in germs that would put the bubonic plague to shame, let alone coronavirus. If you leave without a catching a rash from a toilet seat that requires a trip to A&E, you’ve had a cracking night out.

“The very worst thing that can happen to you, of course, is being a Southerner. Then you deserve all the beatings you get, plus Covid on top for good measure.”