You would look so much more beautiful with make-up, woman tells man on date

A WOMAN has told her date that he could look so much better if he just put on a little make-up. 

Lauren Hewitt informed Jack Browne that he needed to make at least a bit of effort for her, and told him the way he looked was clearly improvable, while staring deep into his eyes.

Browne said: “She seemed to think it was a compliment. I was expected to be pleased.

“Like I’m really going to be delighted on a first date to get told how I should look. Not that she noticed I was offended, because then she went into detail about how much eyeliner I could wear without looking ‘cheap’.”

Hewitt said: “I also said I didn’t think he should be eating sticky toffee pudding when he’s already carrying a little too much weight on the hips.

“I paid for the meal, of course. But when he didn’t invite me back to his for sex, I made it very obvious that I resented it.”

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Pigeons and four other things kids are annoyingly obsessed with

KIDS have any number of things to entertain themselves with, but they’ll come back to the same tedious obsessions until you never want to see a T-Rex again. Here are some of them. 

Dinosaurs

What is it with dinosaurs? They’re just big lizards who are all dead. However as a parent you will be expected to do a passable T-Rex impression at the drop of a hat and accept harsh criticism for confusing a Stegosaurus with a bloody Triceratops. Your kid isn’t going to be the world’s next great palaeontologist either, although it might help with pub triv when they’re 40.

Peppa Pig

Bafflingly popular and printed onto every bit of tat you can imagine, Peppa Pig is a god among small children. You might think the short five-minute episodes are a blessing, but they’re not because you’ll still have to watch them a billion times, wishing there was one where Peppa, her annoying brother, overbearing mother and fat shit of a Dad get turned into bacon sandwiches.

Your bed

Before the kids came along, your bed was a refuge for sleep and sex. Fast forward a bit and your bed is no longer sacred. Now it’s a child’s social hub, handy for being comforted, a pleasant change from their bed and an excellent place to leave Dairylea Dunker crumbs. And forget about the sex. 

Pigeons

When they’re not trying to boot them to death with a furious fire in their eyes, they’re trying to catch them. Given the choice between a brand new PlayStation and a trip to Trafalgar Square, the average four-year-old would prefer to head to Zone 1 and spend the day wildly flailing at these scraggly birds like a tiny pissed-up football hooligan.

Cardboard boxes 

They don’t just love boxes more than the expensive Christmas presents that came in them – they love them more than you. Call the little bastards’ bluff for once and just get them a box.