Lads religiously paying in £20 a month for stag do they all know will be shit

TWENTY grown men are irrationally continuing monthly payments towards a stag do they know will be f**king horrific.

Despite enthusiastically agreeing to attend a year ago, the group’s morale has dipped after months of poor planning by the best man, a WhatsApp group where every other message is a hate crime, and a long-running saga about whether to go to Magaluf.

Nathan Muir said: “My feeling is the best I can hope for is that I don’t break my collarbone diving into the shallow end of the hotel pool.

“£240 sounds like a lot, but it’ll only stretch to 5am budget flights, a nightmare two-star hotel, offensive matching t-shirts and a bit of go-karting. Although the only thing I was looking forward to was not having to drive.”   

Best man Tom Booker said: “I think I’ve nailed it. 4am beers at the airport. Viking hats. Then fun in the sun, or probably not because we can only afford to go out of season. 

“We’re only 100 metres from the resort’s cheapest strip club. I think the accounts of bouncers pulling knives if you don’t pay £40 for a glass of champagne are probably exaggerated.”

Booker denied the trip would be unpleasant, although he is currently planning to make the groom drink puke out of a shoe and intends to tape a hair trimmer to a broom handle so they can shave off his eyebrows from a safe social distance.

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Don't make us go drinking in the Midlands, say Northerners

NORTHERNERS have pleaded with the government not to force them to go out on the lash in the Midlands. 

With new restrictions on pubs set to be imposed across the North of England and Scotland, pub-goers fear they may have no option but to visit places like Loughborough in order to get drunk. 

Jim Bates of Manchester said: “Look, I’ll do a pub crawl in Stoke-on-Trent if I have to. But God knows I don’t want to. 

“Northern pubs are friendly and fun, everyone mixing, having a laugh and a self-deprecating quip from a stranger never far away. Actually that’s probably why they’re closing them. 

“But the grey-skinned fish-people of Lincoln drink in guarded silence afraid of anyone who isn’t a family member. The pubs of Chester contain worrying numbers of hidden Welshmen, and Derby’s too rough even for us. 

“Also those Midlands towns are identical, every high street a Home Bargains and a Cancer Research and a New Look. Stagger out hammered and you’ll never find your way home. 

“Come on. There’s a reason no-one in Britain ever talks about the Midlands. Don’t pretend you can enjoy yourself there.”