OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.
Figures from the Institute for Studies show a strong correlation between giggling and chunkiness among Britiain's under 13s.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Obese children are lovely little chaps, with their smiley, moon-like faces, plump ruddy cheeks and generally unthreatening demeanour.
"They are also funny, both in the sense that they look amusing – especially when attempting to run or when they get wedged in a turnstile – and that they develop rapier-like wit in riposte to the constant verbal abuse.
"For example, I asked one little fellow why he was so fat and he replied, 'Because every time I fuck your mum she gives me a chocolate eclair'.
"Meanwhile police figures confirm that thinner kids are fast-moving, dishonest and more prone to burglary and violent crimes."
Professor Brubaker insisted schools could do more to encourage childhood joviality, adding: "Traditional tuck shops should be replaced by vast tubs of cream, studded with free cakes, buns and chocolatey biscuits, that children can dive into and swim around in, gobbling up treats like Pacman gobbles up power pills."
Wayne Hayes, a 12-year-old from Stevenage, also known as Fat Owl, Jabba, Chubzilla, Goliath, Dump Truck and Porkenstein's Monster, said: "Crisps make me happy. So I'm never unhappy. Unless I haven't got crisps. Which never happens."
He added: "Go on, tickle me, you'll love it."