Chunky Children Ever So Jolly

OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.

Figures from the Institute for Studies show a strong correlation between giggling and chunkiness among Britiain's under 13s.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Obese children are lovely little chaps, with their smiley, moon-like faces, plump ruddy cheeks and generally unthreatening demeanour.

"They are also funny, both in the sense that they look amusing – especially when attempting to run or when they get wedged in a turnstile – and that they develop rapier-like wit in riposte to the constant verbal abuse.

"For example, I asked one little fellow why he was so fat and he replied, 'Because every time I fuck your mum she gives me a chocolate eclair'.

"Meanwhile police figures confirm that thinner kids are fast-moving, dishonest and more prone to burglary and violent crimes."

Professor Brubaker insisted schools could do more to encourage childhood joviality, adding: "Traditional tuck shops should be replaced by vast tubs of cream, studded with free cakes, buns and chocolatey biscuits, that children can dive into and swim around in, gobbling up treats like Pacman gobbles up power pills."

Wayne Hayes, a 12-year-old from Stevenage, also known as Fat Owl, Jabba, Chubzilla, Goliath, Dump Truck and Porkenstein's Monster, said: "Crisps make me happy. So I'm never unhappy. Unless I haven't got crisps. Which never happens."

He added: "Go on, tickle me, you'll love it."

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Angry Taxpayers Demand Tutorial From Lord Ashcroft

VOTERS across Britain have expressed outrage at Lord Ashcroft's ability to avoid more tax than them.

The billionaire Tory donor has used his non-domiciled status to lower his tax bill by an estimated £127 million leading to demands he conduct a mass tutorial at Wembley Stadium using short, simple words and an easy-to-follow Powerpoint presentation.

Julian Cook, an economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Lord Ashcroft is one of around 60 million people in Britain who want to pay less tax.

"He does this by hiring an accountant who reduces his tax bill by as much as is legally possible, sends him an invoice and then everyone goes about their day. As you can see it's all incredibly evil."

Based on current UK tax law, Ashcroft has structured his financial arrangements so that his thighs, knees, eyebrows and chin spend at least half the year on a 4000 acre satsuma plantation in Belize while his arms, his torso and the remainder of his face live in a luxurious three bedroom duplex overlooking Hyde Park.

According to his accountants the constituent parts of his body are joined up twice a year in Monaco where they are able to eat a roast chicken, enjoy a glass of Chablis and go to the toilet.

Labour has seized on the revelations, insisting Lord Ashcroft's ability to make vast amounts of money and hang on to as much of it as he possibly can shows the Tories cannot be trusted with the nation's finances.

A spokesman said: "By failing to persuade the Telegraph and the Mail to go on and on and on about all the non-domiciled Labour donors who have done exactly the same thing, David Cameron has shown an appalling lack of judgement."

Meanwhile Nathan Muir, a Guardian reading Labour voter from Highate, insisted: "If I was a multi-millionaire I would pay all my tax at the full rate because I want to help build a fair and equal society where every child has a chance to be all they can be."

Julian Cook added: "As an economist the only problem I have with that statement is that it's a massive fucking lie."

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