Colleague going around sneezing and touching things

AN office worker is going around sneezing and then blatantly touching things, co-workers have confirmed. 

Procurement manager Mary Fisher has been observed by several people sneezing into her hands then touching the the kind of hard, smooth surfaces that are perfect for passing on her filthy germs to whoever touches them next. 

Colleague Helen Archer said: “We’ve no hard proof that Mary’s got a cold yet. But let’s face it, it’s mid-October, chances are. 

“And the selfish bitch isn’t even wiping her hands with a tissue, let alone anti-bacterial alcohol-based hand sanitiser. It’s horrendously inconsiderate. 

“She came into a meeting with a stack of handouts and flicked them at us while we flinched. We all tried to turn the pages with our pens. 

“Her keyboard and monitor must be seething with disease like a bacteriologist’s petri dish. You could use them for biological warfare. She should be placed in quarantine.” 

Manager Stephen Malley said: “It is kind of disgusting. But speaking as a man, I know how few of us wash our hands after a wee.” 

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Woman mostly got pregnant for nine-month detox

A WOMAN has admitted that the main reason she is having a baby is to quit the booze for nine months.

After failing to complete Sober October, Dry January or any random period of seven days off the drink for three years, Emma Bradford felt that pregnancy was her only option.

She said: “When the Saturday morning hangovers are lasting whole weekends, you’ve got to make a change in your life. And what could be a more positive change than a baby?

“I haven’t touched a drop since. It’s the perfect detox, a really cute detox with teeny toes and tiny fingers that will give me lots of cuddles and call me mummy.

“Of course I’m being sick more than I was when drinking, and I wet myself when I laugh, and I get the munchies worse than I did on lager, and I’m arguing with Steve even more than we used to at 3am both hammered.

“But it’s really good I’ve given my body time to recover and flush all those poisons out. And it’s meant I’m extra excited for the baby to arrive.

“Breastfeeding? No, I’ve decided not to. He’ll be on bottles. As will I.”