Woman conducts annual ritual of signing up for half-marathon she won't actually do

FOR the third year in a row a woman has paid the entry fee for a half-marathon she will not actually run. 

Francesca Johnson, aged 32, has signed up to run the Northamptonshire half-marathon with the best of intentions but, as previously, expects to find her training time taken up with shopping for the right jogging pants and eating crisps.

She said: “Nobody can take my achievement away from me. Least of all the race organisers who’ve never even met me.

“I’ve estimated a sub-two-hour finish time, I’m using the tote bag, I’ve compiled a motivational playlist, and I’ve got the sponsorship form in my desk drawer along with last year’s and the year before’s. Running it’s the least of it.

“In 2017 I couldn’t unfortunately turn up on the day because of emotional issues, and in 2018 I was going to run but I’d strained an ankle ligament driving the car, so it’s not like I haven’t got solid excuses.

“And also there’s the weather. And work. So arguably I’ve actually made more effort than whoever won, who really should be ashamed of themselves.”

She added: “I’ve kept all my race numbers to remind myself how close I’ve come. I’ve got a really good view of them from the big armchair.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Remainer's guide to what's wrong with this whole 'deal pathway'

BORIS Johnson claims to be able to see his way to a Brexit deal, which would leave you looking a right d*ck. Here’s how to find fault: 

He’s lying

The easiest and most plausible way of rejecting the whole ‘pathway to a deal’ thing that’s giving everyone hope and stopping them listening to you, previously the office Brexit expert, is to assume Boris is lying. Has a 98 per cent chance of being right.

It’s a trap

There can’t be good news. This is Brexit. Even the court victory that had you cock-a-hoop a fortnight ago achieved nothing except Parliament being pointlessly back for a bit. So any good news can only be a deceptive covering of positive headline leaves over a pit of reality spikes.

A deal would leave Britain worse off

Technically, from your perspective, no deal can be as good as EU membership so any deal is automatically wrong, even if there is that whole inconvenient ‘what the referendum decided’ business. A second referendum would definitely reverse that so no need to hold one.

Varadkar’s a idiot

Yesterday you were extolling the virtues of the gay mixed-race Irish prime minister Leo Varadkar, and wishing Britain could have a prime minister as intelligent, urbane and fair as him. Today he’s a guillible fool tricked by Boris Johnson’s seductive manner. Kn*bhead.

They’re traitors

They’ve betrayed you. They’ve gone against the will of the people, which is for Boris Johnson to be humiliated by sending an extension letter. You’ve already booked train tickets for the protest a week tomorrow and they’re non-refundable. Johnson and Varadkar should be hanged, and you’ll pull the bloody lever yourself.