Complementary Therapists To Be Regulated By Witch Doctor

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.

Papa Limba is the former Lib Dem candidate for Bristol North West

Haitian born Papa Limba said his first task as chairman of the Complementary and Natural Healthcare Council would be to identify which therapists were righteous shamans and which had the bad juju.

But the witch doctor stressed the therapists would be judged not on the effectiveness of their treatments but on the strength of their mogambo.

Limba said: "There are many frauds and not everyone has as strong a connection to the serpent god Demballa as they like to make out.

"I place my hands on their head and if their spirit vibrates to the rhythm of the ocean I give them a sticker to put in the window.

"If not I rub them with the mashed root of the banyan tree and we never hear of them again."

He added: "Once a year I shall visit them and cast my chicken bones on their consulting room floor. If the bones are still there a week later I report them to health and safety."

A CNHC official said all applicants would be judged on the four key elements: earth, fire, water and the age of the magazines in their waiting room.

Homeopaths will be able to apply for accreditation by visualising the application form and then beaming their thoughts down the nearest ley line.