Complementary Therapists To Be Regulated By Witch Doctor

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.

Haitian born Papa Limba said his first task as chairman of the Complementary and Natural Healthcare Council would be to identify which therapists were righteous shamans and which had the bad juju.

But the witch doctor stressed the therapists would be judged not on the effectiveness of their treatments but on the strength of their mogambo.

Limba said: "There are many frauds and not everyone has as strong a connection to the serpent god Demballa as they like to make out.

"I place my hands on their head and if their spirit vibrates to the rhythm of the ocean I give them a sticker to put in the window.

"If not I rub them with the mashed root of the banyan tree and we never hear of them again."

He added: "Once a year I shall visit them and cast my chicken bones on their consulting room floor. If the bones are still there a week later I report them to health and safety."

A CNHC official said all applicants would be judged on the four key elements: earth, fire, water and the age of the magazines in their waiting room.

Homeopaths will be able to apply for accreditation by visualising the application form and then beaming their thoughts down the nearest ley line.


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Motorists To Remove Wing Mirrors As Government Abandons Road Widening Plan

MOTORISTS will be told to make their cars thinner as the government tries to squeeze as many lanes as possible into Britain's motorway network.

The department of transport said the average family car can lose around 12 inches in width if you go at it with a hacksaw.

A spokesman added: "Wing mirror-ectomies will help, but we still think the best solution is a new generation of cars that have telescopic legs with wheels on the end allowing you to simply lift yourself above the traffic jams.

"Meanwhile we're also investing £2bn in state of the art car squeezing machines which will allow us to create an extra four lanes each way on the M25 and reduce journey times by about eight seconds."

Experts say that minimising the space between cars will not only improve traffic flow but also make it much easier for people in different vehicles to punch each other in the face.

An AA spokesman said: "In most cases you will have to ask your passenger to do the punching, unless you're up against a foreign car with the steering wheel on the left thereby enabling you to rain down blow after blow on some unsuspecting Frenchman without even having to stretch.

"Otherwise, you will have to use a pool cue or a sword if you want to inflict significant injury."

Driver Tom Logan, from Nantwich, added: "I suppose I could always get one of those three-wheeled covered motorbike things you see on Top Gear that are supposed to be the solution to all our transport problems but then never get made because they look so fucking stupid."