Concern grows for man seen buying incense sticks

A MAN has bought some sandalwood-scented joss sticks, according to concerned onlookers.

Nathan Muir was spotted making the purchase at a shop that also sells self-published books about angels, and is one of the sole surviving UK stockists of mood rings.

His father Martin Muir said: “Nathan enjoyed Magic Eye pictures in the 90s, dabbled with sarongs and burned joss sticks in his bedroom to unsuccessfully mask the smell of his bong.

“However, we are deeply concerned to see him messing around with so-called alternative lifestyle choices in his 30s.

“We didn’t support him through university and then ten years after that for him to piss it all away on being ‘spiritual’.”

Nathan, a financial advisor from Burnley, is known to have enrolled on a Tai Chi evening course at his local community centre at the beginning of the summer.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “The first stage of recovery will be Nathan acknowledging that he needs help.

“His family is ready to fight this battle with him – as long as he doesn’t start getting into veganism or walking around with an owl.”


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Brexit brainstorm comes up with idea of staying in Europe

A BREXIT brainstorming session has come up with the idea of boosting the UK’s economy by remaining in the EU. 

The entire Conservative cabinet was brought together to think of new and radical approaches to Brexit by prime minister Theresa May, who told everyone that there are no bad ideas and everything is on the table. 

Brexit secretary David Davis said: “It was 2am when Liam Fox said ‘If we need to be in the single market and we need freedom of movement, why don’t we join the EU?’

“Unfortunately we realised that, post-Brexit, there’s no way we’d meet the criteria – the country will be a wreck – but as we haven’t actually left yet we can simply stay in. 

“Also, we worked out how to eliminate all the thorny problems of juggling private healthcare providers by creating a state-run, state-owned health service. 

“We should have these brainstorms more often. Really gets you thinking out of the box.” 

Theresa May said: “Brexit means Brexit, and Brexit means continuing as a full member of the EU. What?”