Covid-19 totally confused about what it's allowed to do where

THE coronavirus has admitted being a bit confused about who it is allowed to infect in England, Scotland and Wales under new rules. 

Covid-19, which previously thought it could be transmitted to anyone apart from the chief adviser to the prime minister and his family, admitted that the differing rules throughout the UK have got it a bit mixed up.

It said: “Right. So in England, as long as there’s only six of you – including kids – I have to stay away. But you can be from six different households, workplaces, whatever?

“But then if I cross the border to Scotland that’s six people but not including kids? So there could easily be like 12 people total. But I can infect them if they’re from more than two households?

“Or in Wales kids still don’t count, but it’s kids under 11 not under 12? And groups of 30 allowed outdoors? I mean they’re just making this up as they go along aren’t they.

“I tell you what, I can’t follow all this. I’m just going to infect whoever’s lungs I get into, and you can contain me with testing and tracing.

“What do you mean you’ve got no functioning test-and-trace system? Jesus Christ, what the bloody hell have you been doing all summer?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The optimist's guide to the current news shitstorm

COVID’S back, Brexit is reaching unprecedented levels of hardness, and Trump is planning another eight years. Try to look on the bright side: 

America’s west coast is on fire

The Instagram pictures of orange skies are awfully pretty, and perhaps burning Hollywood down will finally kill the Mission Impossible franchise which hasn’t had a good one since 2011.

The UK is breaking international law for Brexit

Who needs other nations? North Korea’s cut them out completely, and their leader has a 110 per cent approval rating, even dead. Just think how much happier we’d be without anyone to compare ourselves to. It’s ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ on a geopolitical scale.

The global pandemic is not going away

This COVID business is all a bit awkward, isn’t it? Still, might lower house prices a bit and help younger people – no, wait, the government has fixed it so prices are going up? Marvellous for homeowners.

Elon Musk has implanted a computer chip into a pig’s brain

This raises deep moral and ethical questions, but only for pigs. The rest of us will to find our new bus drivers, office colleagues and junior cabinet ministers much more congenial than the old ones.

Sea levels are rising

Or, look at it this way, the beaches are getting closer just as the weather’s getting warmer. Soon we’ll be a happy tropical island playing steel drums to cruise ship passengers. Wouldn’t that be better?