Thursday, 13th May 2021

Covid-19 totally confused about what it's allowed to do where

THE coronavirus has admitted being a bit confused about who it is allowed to infect in England, Scotland and Wales under new rules. 

Covid-19, which previously thought it could be transmitted to anyone apart from the chief adviser to the prime minister and his family, admitted that the differing rules throughout the UK have got it a bit mixed up.

It said: “Right. So in England, as long as there’s only six of you – including kids – I have to stay away. But you can be from six different households, workplaces, whatever?

“But then if I cross the border to Scotland that’s six people but not including kids? So there could easily be like 12 people total. But I can infect them if they’re from more than two households?

“Or in Wales kids still don’t count, but it’s kids under 11 not under 12? And groups of 30 allowed outdoors? I mean they’re just making this up as they go along aren’t they.

“I tell you what, I can’t follow all this. I’m just going to infect whoever’s lungs I get into, and you can contain me with testing and tracing.

“What do you mean you’ve got no functioning test-and-trace system? Jesus Christ, what the bloody hell have you been doing all summer?”