Sunday, 16th May 2021

Five more things that are definitely caused by young people

Young people are shit. In addition to being the sole spreaders of Covid-19, here is a list of their other crimes.

Flimsy paper straws
If you’re old enough to have to drink your dinner, you’ll probably be struggling with a paper straw. That is a direct result of Gen-Z’s self-obsessed desire to ‘protect the environment’ from ‘catastrophic climate change’. Greta Thunberg cares more about molluscs than you enjoying your Friday night steak and ale pie smoothie.

Occasional gay thoughts
It can be very challenging to keep your head straight with liberal, non-binary youths being so confusingly sexy all the time. Back in the day, it was easy to know who to sexually harass. Nowadays you can’t safely perv on a girl in the street in case they turn out to be a boy.

Not getting a seat in a restaurant
It’s no wonder young people can’t afford houses when they’re out every night clogging up restaurants. It’s bad enough having to hear about the gluten-free option because of them. There was a time when coeliacs didn’t exist and you just put up with crippling pain every time you ate. Snowflakes.

That buzzing noise
There’s a high-pitched whining noise and it’s keeping you awake all night. You don’t know what it is but it sounds electrical, and electricity can only mean one thing – adolescents. It could be your tinnitus acting up, but it’s most likely a youth on a skateboard trying to beam 5G into your brain.

One in two people will be affected by cancer in their lifetimes, and everyone has met a young person. This is not a ‘coincidence’.