Covid Superspreader of the Year shortlist revealed

THE shortlist for the 2020 Covid Superspreader of the Year awards has been released, with Dominic Cummings the clear favourite to win. 

The Oscars of the pandemic world will be held at the Royal Albert Hall in a glittering unmasked ball, with music from a supergroup of Van Morrison, Ian Brown, Noel Gallagher and Right Said Fred.

Nominations are:

Dominic Cummings, 2/1 favourite

The former Downing Street aide inspired the whole of the UK to ignore lockdown restrictions by selflessly breaking them and getting full government backing for doing so. One backer said: ‘I’d assumed lockdown meant you weren’t allowed to make unnecessary trips out of the house, but Dom trashed that in one press conference. What a hero.’

Wetherspoons owner Tim Martin, 5/1

Successfully badgered the government into allowing people to pile into pubs, Tim has been nominated by several of his loyal workforce. One said: ‘Tim recognised that safety is boring and brought us back to work to not only catch Covid, but gave it a solid community footing. He should be knighted.’

Rishi Sunak, 9/2

The chancellor’s pioneering Eat Out to Help Out not only cost £522 million but caused an estimated sixth of coronavirus clusters to kickstart a second wave. One backer said: ‘My grandfather ended up on a ventilator, but it was worth it for that delighted look on his face as he enjoyed a tenner off peri-peri chicken.’

Margaret Ferrier, 12/1

This previously obscure Scottish MP selflessly passed on Covid in the Commons, on the train to London from Scotland and in several local businesses. A constituent said: ‘She’s one of the hardest-working MPs in the UK. It was a privilege to catch Covid from her.’

That original Covid superspreader, 100/1

A rank outsider included to give the awards the people’s touch, the British businessman who brought the coronavirus back from the French Alps and shared it with friends, family and his GP has been recognised as a pioneer. A colleage said: ‘I was one of the first in the UK to get it, thanks to this total legend.’

The winner of the awards will be announced on December 2nd, along with the previously ruled-out third lockdown.

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Family Guy, and other TV shows that are somehow still f**king going

YOU watched it, you quit, you assumed it had been cancelled years ago but somehow that TV show’s still limping on. These five should be put out of their misery: 

The Walking Dead

Like the zombies that are still lurching from every dark corner despite a decade of zombie killers offing 60 a week, this shit refuses to lie down. There are even spin-offs, proving the zombie plague continues to spread. Soon every show will be infected and even Grand Designs will feature Kevin casually decapitating the undead with a spade.

Grey’s Anatomy

In its seventeenth series, this glam US Casualty is still bizarrely popular, despite the cast changing more frequently than a geriatric’s bedpan. Has been going so long that it was the show that made Snow Patrol popular, a time which few now living can remember.

The Simpsons

Once a tightly-scripted comedy with some of the best characters on telly, you were a child then. A child who only saw it when your mate lent you videos he’d done off Sky. Continues as a vehicle for celebrity guest stars and treatises on topics that trended on Twitter 18 months earlier.

The Handmaid’s Tale

As if one series of public hangings and dark-wood furniture wasn’t enough, greedy producers have jumped the shark by making Atwood’s resonant GCSE English favourite into an endless, doleful drama. Anyone still watching it is just into eye-gougings.

Family Guy

Mock if you like, but this woeful animation performs a valuable public service. If it weren’t for their desperate need to chuckle at every single one of the 200 pop culture references per episode it has instead of jokes, a generation of dads would be completely out of touch with the world. It’s their lifeline.