I concede I am thinning slightly on top, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has conceded that his hair is very slightly thinning on top, but that he will turn the tide with Regaine. 

The concession has shocked millions of Americans who firmly believed that Trump had the thickest head of hair in the nation and who have urged him never to give in to male pattern baldness.

The admission came through official sources, who were forced to admit that the luxuriantly-coiffed head of state had suffered a loss of hirsuteness while Trump tweeted ‘IT IS AS ABUNDANT AND VIGOROUS AS THE HAIR OF JASON MOMOA!’

Sophie Rodriguez of Michigan said: “It’s been obvious for some time that Trump was receding. Yes, the follicle counts by the mainstream media are biased, but official counts have now been certified and he’s losing it.”

But Trump supporter Josh Hudson of Kentucky said: “Fake news, bitch. Sure, in certain levels of harsh artificial light his scalp might be visible, but guess who controls the lighting? Bill Gates. And the Jews.

“If Trump’s hair is thinning, what else could be true? What if all those claims about him being a vain, moronic f**khead are accurate? What if Covid wasn’t just an election hoax by the Democrats? What if that’s why he always wears a hat?

“No. We must put all our faith in this Regaine effort. I personally am donating a hundred dollars. We can make his hair great again.”

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The dad's guide to hoarding a load of crap

ARE you a dad? Is all that stuff important, easily fixed, or you’ll need it the week after you throw it away? Follow these hoarding tips: 

Screws and nails are more precious than jewels and gold

Keeping a vast stockpile of screws and nails, displayed to their best advantage in dusty jam jars, is vital. Some of them date back 50 years. Not just aesthetically pleasing but useful if you need to build a bookcase, another shed, or a life-size wooden model of the entire world.

Guard your treasures jealously

Don’t take any crap from your wife about it being ‘pointless’ hanging on to a Fisher Price treehouse playset with half the bits missing when all your kids are grown adults living abroad. If she has an unplanned pregnancy that’s 35 quid saved.

Old magazines constitute an archive

The burning of the Library of Alexandria set the world back centuries, and throwing away your stack of Sunday Times magazines would be even worse. Who knows when the world will call on you demanding to read that cover interview with Jarvis Cocker from 1996?

Remember your magical dad repair skills

Nothing is too knackered to be discarded. And despite having no training as an engineer, you are able to repair anything from hair tongs to a DVD player, or at least strip it for parts. The only reason you haven’t is that you’ve been busy thinking about fixing that broken strimmer for five years.

Render parts of your home inaccessible

If you can freely move around your loft or spare room and there’s space for something useful like a home gym, you’re doing it wrong. It should be impossible to get in without first removing boxloads of total crap such as a single bike stabiliser, a beige computer monitor or a set of dowelling rods you have no memory of ever needing.

Misunderstand sentimental value

Might your grown-up daughter like to be reunited with her favourite childhood teddy? Unlikely, so he can go on the bonfire. However doggedly keep old taps, as if having your sink fixed in 2005 is a joyful memory.