Crocs Link To Smugness And Idiocy

WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.

Donning the brightly coloured plastic footwear is likely to make middle class women believe their dress sense is a lot more interesting than it really is, the doctors added.

Their research suggests Crocs may also encourage such women to think they are “a bit kooky” and individual, when in reality they are just wearing stupid shoes aimed at kids, and copying all their friends.

Cherie Jackers, whose parents David and Enid are leading vegetarians and caravanners, said she loved her Crocs and had bought them for all the family.

She said: “When I was at school I was always considered to be a bit of a crazy one and I was forever having to tell my friends to not mind me because I was ‘a bit mad’.

“So you can imagine Crocs are just perfect for me, they show everyone I am not just a sweaty mum with bad hair, but a really interesting individual with interesting and individual taste, just like the millions of other interesting and individual mums who wear Crocs too.”

Mrs Jackers said the shoes were “fantabulous” because she could wear them with anything, including her favourite grey jogging trousers with the bobbles and the saggy bum.

She said: “It doesn’t matter if the colours clash, or if the Crocs look stupid and out of place. In fact that’s the point of them. It just proves I’m totally crazy.”

Chloe Jackers, 11, and her brother Sam, 10, said their mother was “an embarrassment” and that while Crocs were “all right for five year olds I suppose” they were planning to burn theirs and run away from home.

Dr Raj Peshwar, a behaviourial psychologist and expert on the middle classes who conducted the research project, said Mrs Jackers was “unbearably smug” and a “total fucker”. “I hope she dies, horribly,” he added.

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One Woman's Week: God Is With Me

By Karen Fenessey

I don’t know if it’s like this all over the country, but summer seems to be a total disappointment this year. I, for one, believe that this is all down to emissions from greenhouse gases and I make a point of ramming this home to my class of planet-killing P2s, who spend more time leaking out radioactive rays on their silly X-boxes than lowering the damage left all over the world by their grubby carbon fingerprints.

The troubled soul diva, Whitney Houston, sang ‘I believe the children are our future’ and I think that she is exactly right in this and other matters of great importance. Because, in 50 years time when I am hopefully dead, this planet will be swimming in raw sewage and human waste, assailed every day by fall out from the black hole sun and full of text language and disgusting ‘R n B’ music.

And then those idiotic children will cry and cry, wishing that for just one day they could return to my class and listen properly this time. God has ways of punishing people for laziness and stupidity, and this is just one of them. Others include terminable diseases, road traffic accidents and assaults. Don’t believe me? Well, answer me this: why have I never been ill or involved in an accident? Evidently, I have nothing to fear from death.

Donny, on the other hand, has a great deal to be worried about. He participates in a number of Godless activities and, no matter how hard I try, he will not stop to think about what will happen after he ‘passes on’. Smoking for one: doesn’t he see that by inhaling foul nicotine, he is simply killing himself gradually day by day? God doesn’t look kindly upon weak-minded suicides! Secondly, being in a ridiculous band: is it only me who can read God’s mind about His plans for Donny? Donny does not belong on a pub stage surrounded by alcoholic tarts in stupid leggings – he belongs in a legal firm, earning thousands of pounds for exercising justice in society.

But the thing that Donny will have most trouble explaining to Our Lord (especially if the Virgin Mary is with Him) is his habit of vile masturbation. Donny refuses to discuss this problem even when it’s just the two of us on a cosy night out in Bella Italia, so it’s obviously going to be difficult for him in front of a Woman who probably doesn’t even know what Donny and God are talking about.

One of the Creator’s biggest gripes is reserved for puny men who aren’t strong enough to resist puking up their penises all over the couch, the shower curtain or a brand new Louis Vuitton Italian leather with brass trim handbag, bought just days ago for £380 in Harvey Nicks. When God asks me if I have ever done such a thing, I will be able to proudly announce, ‘No! And furthermore, I never switch the TV onto standby overnight or leave the fridge door open for no reason WHATSOEVER’. Whereas, Donny will have a lot of explaining to do if he is to join me for eternal paradise.