Dentist making you feel like a lying bastard again

A DENTIST regularly makes patients feel as if they are lying, untrustworthy scumbags when they go in for a check-up.

Dental practitioner Emma Bradford quickly hones in on the lies and evasions of clients who have not been telling the whole truth about flossing regularly and ‘cleaning at the back’.

Patient Martin Bishop said: “Every time I go it’s like I’m being questioned by the police about a horrible murder. But all I’ve done is be a bit slack about brushing round my gum line.

“I know Emma can’t send me to prison for not using my interdental sticks, but she can make me feel like a worthless sack of shit who doesn’t appreciate having a lovely set of teeth.

“I used to think I was a good person, but after a trip to the dentist I realise I’m a sneaky bastard who tells fibs about using his plaque disclosing tablets. God I hate myself.”

Bradford said: “There’s no point in lying to me. I look at teeth every day. I can tell if you just started flossing again two days ago because you remembered you’d got an appointment.

“Nobody likes a liar. Sometimes I feel like getting out the special pliers and pulling out a tooth as punishment. But then they’d probably just go to Mr Hardy down the road.”


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DIY dads to f**k up Britain

THE UK’s DIY dads have got their toolboxes out of the garage and are going to spend the next four days attempting to fix the problems facing Britain.

Plucky dads are setting to work on tasks including closing the North-South divide, filling in the gender pay gap and extending Cornwall to add parking for 450,000 cars.

However critics – mainly their wives – believe they have yet again overestimated their DIY skills and will end up damaging Britain beyond repair, like when they tried to convert the loft.

Roy Hobbs of Stafford said: “I’ve got my big saw and I’ll be sorting out a proper Brexit.

“I’m sure there’s no underlying infrastructure I can accidentally cut through, causing catastrophic damage. Not like when I fractured that gas main doing the drive.”

Fellow dad Tom Booker said: “I’m going to give our crumbling institutions a fresh coat of paint, then I’ll crack on with making an invisible border for Northern Ireland.

“I’m totally up to the job. I’ve done floating shelves in our lounge, which are great if you don’t put anything too heavy on them.

“It should be all sorted by Monday. What was that noise? Shit, I’ve put my foot through the economy.”