Dickhead manages to get sunburnt in February

AN utter dickhead has achieved the rare feat of being badly sunburnt in Britain in February.

Tom Booker of Margate is proudly sporting the earliest cherry-red forehead, nose and neck in a calendar year since records began.

He said: “I saw the sun was shining in a cloudless sky and thought, ‘Oi oi, I think I could do myself some serious damage here.’

“Began at 9am mowing the lawn, then I was in the beer garden at the King Edward at opening time, then I settled down in a deckchair in the back garden to sleep the afternoon away.

“I’m not saying it was easy – there’s a bloody nip in the air still – but I’m now sporting a proud Englishman’s sunburn all over. You should see my face. Like a heat lamp it is.

“I reckon I can do the same in November, if the weather keeps its end up. Sunburnt 10 months of the year without even living in Spain.”

Booker added: “Global warming? Don’t make me laugh. Load of bollocks, that is.”

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Key to happy relationship is remembering you obviously can't do any better

THE key to a happy relationship is reminding yourself that you cannot possibly do any better, it has been confirmed.

The claim was made by relationship expert Nikki Hollis, who says it is based the evidence of ‘opening your f*cking eyes and ears’.

Hollis said: “A lot of people ask themselves ‘Am I with the right person?’ And the answer is quite simply, ‘No’. There are billions of people on this planet, there’s more chance of Ant McPartlin getting his no claims bonus than you finding ‘the one’.

“Sure you could spend your whole life single on the off-chance that one day you’d meet Ryan Gosling or Beyonce and they’d unexpectedly find you extremely erotic. But the reality is they aren’t coming and they won’t. I mean look at the state of you.

“The key to being happy isn’t being attracted to or particularly interested in your partner, it’s reminding yourself on a daily basis that you’re both as shit as each other. That’s literally what love is.”

She added: “The healthy thing to do is ignore nagging feelings like ‘This is the unhappiest I’ve ever been’ and cling on, cling on like a tick or parasite would to a dying animal, because this is as good as it gets. For you, anyway.”