THE doner kebab is a nutritious snack filled with zinc and proteins from the compacted shavings of at least 14 different varieties of testicle, doctors said last night.
While often attacked for its high fat content, experts said the kebab provided a balanced diet and was a major factor in having wondrous balls.
Just two large doners a week guarantees men large, full testicles, while women will develop a glossy coat and a soothing baritone voice.
Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said a typical take-away kebab was 98.4% animal testicles and 1.6% lettuce both of which are essential for vigorous gonads.
He added: "Go to the Turkish baths in Istanbul and you will come face to face with the world's fullest scrotums.
"Trenendous balls, really pink and plump, no wrinkles or veiny protuberances. Not like the shrivelled little walnut sacks you get over here."
He added: "I certainly would not like to be standing in front of one if it went off."
Wazim Farza, owner of Wazim's Mashed Testicles on Basildon High Street, said: "I favour a mix of sheep, kangaroo, frog and Irish Setter.
"It make your balls very splendid. You want to see my balls?"