Sunday, 1st November 2020

Drink overpriced pints at home: the London Tier 2 rules in full

AS the most important part of the UK moves into Tier 2, Londoners will face uniquely metropolitan restrictions. And because they affect the capital the whole country has to hear about them.

Drink overpriced pints at home

A London pint might cost a lot but there’s nothing special about the beer. To this end, Londoners are urged to recreate the experience of knocking back a pricey Zone 1 drink from the comfort of their cramped bedrooms by buying a bottle of Peroni and throwing a tenner out the window.

One commuter per tube carriage

The underground is the perfect place for Covid-19 to spread because it’s where everyone wears their masks around their chin. To reduce the R number only one person will be allowed in a tube carriage at a time, with the first Tier 2 daily commute expected to take eight months.

Hackney facemasks must be gentrified

Hipster residents in areas like Hackney will be expected to wear expensive middle class facemasks made out of unsuitable materials. Expect to see people cover their facial orifices with slates swiped from restaurants and Farrow & Ball colour charts.

Move to the country to socialise

People might be forbidden from mixing indoors in London, but they’re still free to scurry off to one of the country’s many Tier 1 zones. Typically, Londoners will be on the fence about this because while it’s cheaper there’s f**k all to do in rural areas except buy second homes.

Use rhyming slang for Covid-19

Everyone’s tired of hearing about the virus, so the city’s populace has been ordered to refer to it using impenetrable Cockney rhyming slang to take the edge off. East Londoners have already identified ‘baked bean’, ‘plasma screen’ and ‘dancing queen’ as phrases that could replace Covid-19.