'E-Numbers Make My Children Hilarious'

PARENTS across Britain have reacted angrily to the European ban on food colourings, claiming artificial ingredients make their children funnier and more interesting.

The EU wants to ban a range of E-numbers amid claims they are made from diesel by-products and turn you into a raging psychopath.

But British parents insist the right level of artificial colourings can transform a dull, predictable child into an hilarious, pint-sized version of Norman Wisdom.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Bexhill, said: "On Sundays I like to load up my four year-old with a litre of orange squash and then set him loose in the garden with some old vases, a tortoise and a hammer."

Meanwhile thousands of parents are objecting to the changes after spending years controlling their children through a delicate chemical balance of E-numbers and horse tranquilisers.

Emma Stevens, 39, from Chester, said: "I can't remember why we started pumping them full of these things, but we're in way too deep to stop now.

"Take away the horse tranqs and it's like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in here. Take away the bright orange dye and you have to drag them upstairs by the hair."

Mrs Stevens added: "My children are a healthy, well-adjusted cocktail of artificial chemical compounds.

"To an outside observer they look completely normal, and I'd like to keep pretending that they are until they go off to university and start mixing their own drugs."

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Go And Tidy Your Room, Say Scientists

STOP that right now and go and tidy your room this instant, leading scientists said last night. 

It is unfit for human habitation and quite amazing that you can find anything in there, which may explain why you have been wearing the same pants for a week.

The smell emanating from it is quite repulsive and appears to be a mixture of dead gerbil, stale cannabis, and semen encrusted glossy paper, which is probably what it is, they added.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: "Do you think that at night, after you go to bed, the tidy-up fairies will come out and do it all for you?

"Just get off the sofa, turn that thing off for once in your life and go upstairs. Christ you can see that lady’s nipples through her vest. Is this supposed to be kid’s TV?

"The reason you feel so bloody depressed is because you don’t bloody move off there. Ever. It’ll only take you five minutes, just chuck it all in a skip and then burn it.

"I am not just getting at you, your sister's room is also disgusting. I don’t think you should laugh at your mother like that. She only brought it into the living room because she thought it was a type of hair straightener."

However, Mrs Brubaker added: "If doing all the housework every bloody day is so good for your mental health, then how come you never do any?

"And how come I have this very strong urge to tie up you and our ungrateful, brattish children and then stab each of you in the fucking eye with a red hot poker?"